I have been told that writing can be cathartic, even theraepeutic. In September of 2021, everything for me changed. It started with an awful sore throat and just feeling bad. Then a headache. Then, I couldnt hear, it felt like my ears had been sealed shut. Last, I lost my sense of smell and taste, completely. I thought I would be lucky and that would be it. I was wrong.
I was schooling everyone at home then and I had started to notice that I was having a hard time reading more than one sentence out loud to the kids. Then I started noticing that I couldnt walk from our couch to our bathroom without feeling like I needed to lie down. My first trip to the ER yeilded double pnuemonia and my first vagus nerve incident in which I passed out while getting an IV. I was constantly out of breath. My heart was constantly pounding. I couldnt shake how tired I felt.
Months passed. A few years passed. This is long covid. Lasting effects? *A bilateral profound hearing loss. I've gotten used to the quiet, but I also have hearing aids now. *A heart rate that can only be controlled by medication. (pre-covid ave heart rate: 60, post covid at rest ave heart rate:145). *I pass out randomly. Nothing really triggers it. Sometimes, I just stay dizzy for days, as if I'm on a ship in the Drake Passage and a storm has hit. *It seems as if I have no immune system. I catch anything and everything that is going around. *My energy level tanked. I have what some call chronic fatigue syndrome. I can make myself do things, but then I bottom out and I'm dragging horribly for days if not weeks. *my body HURTS. my joints ache. my muscles throb. I limp while stooped over when I get out of bed in the morning. *I have supplemental oxygen for when my oxygen drops into the 80s and it always drops into the 80s when I am active. I dont know why but I have issue using my oxygen. Ive been shamed a few times when wearing it, mostly (I think) because I look healthy so why would I have oxygen.
so now? I feel like a shadow of my former athletic self. I gained over 50lbs in the throws of sickness and was quite often told if i would just lose the weight, I would feel better, be able to do more, and breathe easier. So I lost close to 70lbs with absolutely NO change in my health. All the same symptoms, just a nicer looking body to go with it. I was given anti depressants, anti anxiety meds and I swear less than half the doctors believed anything I told them. Why? Because everyone seems content putting bandaids on the bullet wounds. I would say this cannot be normal and they would answer, well, you had covid, so this is your new normal.
I lost a huge portion of who I was: the girl on the softball field. the athletic girl. the active girl. She is gone. I'm the tired girl. The girl my kids groan at and roll their eyes to because I'm too tired to do all the things they wanted to that day- the things I used to be able to do. I dont think this should be called depression. I lost so much with covid. I feel broken. And I do not believe an anti depressant will somehow make me forget this or fix this. I FEEL it every day.
So now I live in the after. The land where I fake a smile and nod at doctors and diligently take my medicine and I stay stuck right where I am. I've done all the right things and nothing has changed. I forced myself to walk every day, so much so that when the month ended I could hardly believe that we had walked 70+ miles (this may be small potatoes to some but to the girl who couldnt walk to her own bedroom at night, this was huge). My body certainly felt it, though. I pushed through the tired. I forced myself to do more than any part of my body ever wanted me to do and I am still paying for it.
My frustration is palpable. Chronic illness, chronic pain, chronic tiredness. I am tired, both mentally and physically. I want some version of normal to resurface. I feel like no matter how hard I swim, I am being pulled under. So for now, while hopefully temporarily stuck in the after, I dream about hikes I can take with my family, map out walks that I cannot yet do, and plan for a future that I no longer am sure exists...and I hope for the best.