my heart overflows

children are by far our greatest accomplishments. it is a privilege, an honor, and such a blessing to be given the title of mom or dad. i can feel my heart glow when i hold them; my eyes water, everything slows down, and i cannot help but smile.
strangers comment "oh well, now your family is complete."
yes, you are right. my family was complete when Arnie and i were married. it was complete when Lily was born. it became complete when Amelia was born, and even more so the following year when Cain was born.
dont ask if we are finished, for the truth is, we were finished when Lily came into our lives. i announced it, proudly.
i look back now and smile at that time. i was young, naive, and thought i knew everything about planning.
the truth now is i have no idea how to answer the question "are we finished?"
i dont dare to plan that much. are we responsible? as much as we can be. do we make mistakes? of course.
i dont care how i'm viewed. i dont care how many eyes roll or heads shake in disaproval. these are my children. blessings. little beings that have made my heart move in ways i never knew was possible. yes, absolutely, our hands are full...but our hearts are tenfold what are hands can handle...and we cant stop smiling about it.
the truth is, i dont need your permission. i dont intrude on your life in similar ways, so grant me the same kindness and be happy for us as a family.
here are some moments in our lives, moments in my life, in my heart- that transformed me, that caused my heart to grow. moments where i held lily, amelia, or cain in my arms...or moments where i saw arnie hold one of our children...and i knew this was exactly what was meant to happen in my life. and any moment in my life where i've doubted who i was or where i was...a moment when i questioned if i had chosen the right path..all of that was swept away in an infant's sigh. in the clasping of a finger. in a smile, the first true smile...and i've never doubted again.
so when someone asks some silly question about "planning" and you see me smile- maybe you'll see why. i wont put that in my mind. i wont "plan" what's next. i'll leave that up to God. :)

pictured above is amelia mae

pictured above is our Lily Angelina (photo with baby Amelia)

 clockwise of the above 4 photos are as follows: Arnie and Lily- September 2004, me and Amelia- July 2011, me and Amelia- August 2011, and me and Cain- August 2012

in sickness and in health

here i am. sitting on this dreaded couch again.

you know, i've loved this couch since we've purchased it...and then it seems like it's become cursed because for 2 years now, i have been pregnant...and for two years now, i have been placed on bed rest. bed rest. i sigh. strict bed rest were the doctor's words. strict.
have i ever followed the rules? have i ever done exactly what someone has asked of me? hardly ever.
i am a highly active girl. dont ask me to sit still day after day while i can clearly see that things need done. things that i have done day in and day out like a well oiled machine. not to mention my plans to over-haul lily's room, rifle through her drawers and get rid of all ill fitting outfits, and find out exactly what size she is now, given that school is around the corner and once again we are behind in preparing in that realm of the world.
the frustration sets in. i have a 7 year old who is in the midst of a huge growth spurt and is attempting to eat us out of house and home. i have 12 month old who is getting into everything, learning her emotions (i.e.-temper tantrums gallor!), and exploring her new found mobility- much to my dismay.
here, i sit like budha. unmoving. wanting to move. trying to obey these rules, if not for the better part of each day...because at some point, i tell myself, i must be on my feet: diapers dont change themselves, food does not cook itself, dishes stay dirty unless i am up, and laundry does not do itself (even though i wish sometimes-that it did)
i try to reason with my body...mostly my belly..that if i'm a good girl until...let's say 4pm...then it should cooperate and allow me a few consessions. my mind needs to be healthy too...and sitting here is making me INSANE...and the sad thing is i'm supposed to be laying down on my left side ALL the time. even for meals. i feel guilty because i'm not. i do not want to jeopardize the health of this little one kicking me on the inside, but at the same time, how can i possibly follow these rules right now? i cannot neglect the fact that there are 2 girls eyeballing me from across the room.
yes, i know at some point everyone has whispered under their breath "i wish they'd put me on bed rest.." unless of course, you've been there...in which case, you can only sympathize. it's not as wonderful as one would think. it's quite constricting, especially when you are not alone in your home.

who would've thought that 11 years ago when arnie and i took our vows that the sickness and health part would hit before either one of us were old? i know when i said it, that was what i pictured. us...much older...taking care of each other. but life throws your curveballs....
lucky for us, we both know how to play ball. :)

i am not the easiest person in the world to get along with. i am a perfectionist. i am extremely type A. heck, my blood type is even A positive. things must be just so...and with 2 kids and a husband that often works long hours, things being just so....can turn into so annoying...i'm sure.

add that idealism to the fact that i am no longer supposed to be up doing things. taking care of things. making sure things are alphabetized, organized by sized, folded- not wadded, crisp- not wrinkled, spotless- not slightly smeared....i become dr jeckyl and mr hyde.

i wrestle constantly with "let it go"..and "it can wait"...into the emotional throw down of a 4 year old dealing with stress that no one other than me--i've been heaping on myself.

i begin thinking: this baby can come any day. things need to be ready. that means little cloth diapers prepped. basinette cleaned-with mattress cover and a fresh blanket. bags need to be packed, but not so packed that i cant find my supplies. things should be properly organized in the kitchen. the floors need to be scrubbed. the carpet needs swept once more. dont get me started on our yard...and THEN i start thinking about the possible complications that may occur at the hospital. with the baby...with me....and then it happens. i explode. i dont think. i dont stop. i dont mention these things that have been racing through my mind as i have silently counted and weighed and measureed each contraction i've felt that day. (was that one stronger? are they getting stronger? is this labor? what was that?? should i call someone?!)

i'm a time bomb that constantly reloads and explodes without warning. i often wonder how many times arnie has silently thought in his head "i did not sign up for this." he knows it would kill me to say. he knows i would melt into a breakdown. i dont mean to be this insane...but WOW does stress get to me. it's hard enough having one child eat a meal that could've easily been for 3 people- come up to you five minutes after eating it asking if they can have something else to eat....then add in a teething, moody 12 month old..who enjoys kicking while being changed...and then add to that bed rest to a type A person who likes, wants, and needs to be able to do things herself....and arnie has a perfect storm he's walking into as he comes home from work.

i feel like Clint Eastwood...a version anyway...as arnie walks in the door and i give him a look that says "go ahead...ask me how my day was. i DARE you. punk."

now if you read this far, please know, this isnt a rant, or a pity party for me. this is just a glimpse in the window at our lives right now...and how i am grateful that my spouse took his vows to heart when he repeated the words "in sickness and in health".

good times and bad...he's still here. putting up with my insanity. my life is a blessing every day. i am so very grateful to have to chance to be a mom to 3 children. but any mom can tell you it isnt easy and rarely is....so i'm keeping it real. being honest at this point in our lives. i am grateful today for all that i have. especially my husband.

this experience thus far has taught me to appreciate the smaller things in life. like being able to get up and do random things around the house. it has taught me to look at my husband in a new light because i am honest enough to admit that i am not an easy person to be around when under this much stress. i have learned that marriage is absolutely something you must work at because it is so very easy to just disconnect yourself from everything when you get down. i hope it is teaching our children the value of family and how you can depend on them to help you when you feel -and sometimes are- helpless.

as much as i complain about bedrest, i should be thankful for it as well. there's nothing like not being able to leave the house at random that will bring a family closer. everyone surrounding me on this couch to play board games, to read a book together, to watch a movie....

so the next time you attend a wedding and you hear those words "in sickness and in health"...think about the weight they truly carry. my experience, in truth, has been a light one. there are husbands and wives out there dealing with so much more weight than we are: cancer, war injuries, alzheimers...to name a few. the spouses who stick it out...they bring tears to my eyes. i dont think you could ever clearly put a full definition on Love, but i think it is spouses like mine and like the ones mentioned above that truly help define the word...and like my tattoo on my arm says: it (love) never fails.

playing ball, God, and where the two shall meet

if you dont know me really well, then you probably dont know my love of sports, specifically, being involved, and especially playing sports. i've played softball since i was 4...standing far out in left field, an oversized glove on my hand, shagging flies for my brother- who could knock the cover off a ball.
from a very early age, my parents taught us the discipline of practice. spending warm days on ball fields taking batting practice, learning the fundamentals of pitching, fielding a ball, and making good throws. saturdays in the batting cages, learning bat speed and placement of a ball.
i know when i was there, there were days that i hated softball and wished i wasnt a "ball player" but now, i look back on every memory with warmness and fondness, and a wish that i could play back a full day of ball in my mind.
some people have a natural born ability to play ball. it takes little to get the fundamentals down, they do all aspects of ball with ease and smoothness that is usually envied. my brother and i are both natural born players. we never knew the struggle of not being able to make contact with a ball. we never felt the frustration of not knowing how to catch.
but still, we practiced at every opportunity...improving our skills. learning respect for the field...and always knowing that if you took your eyes off that ball, there was a good chance of getting burned.

i'm older now. ball still comes very naturally to me. there's nothing i love more than getting the opportunity to play in the sun, but it's not my life anymore. there are other priorities, other demands. but ball left me with one very, very important life lesson that i have never forgotten.

last Sunday, pastor Brian's sermon was about worry. something that eats at me a lot, especially right now, at this phase in my life. preterm labor is a very scary thing, especially when certain odds are stacked against you. but hearing that sermon, as if it were meant to be, gave me great comfort...and put me on the right track for stomping out my worry. it took me right back to my childhood and my days of practicing softball.

you see, when we messed up on the field, whether it was practice or a game, there were consequences. did you get an injury? clean it, bandage it, take care of it, but do not quit, do not give up. you'll only regret it.
did you pitch a bad game? you better believe you're going to spend an evening pitching into a tire or a bucket until you improve. didnt hit well? it's batting practice for you until hitting improves. there are always ways to improve where you're struggling.

it was like a light bulb finally went off in my head. i had been misunderstanding something for a very long while. you dont just "stop worrying". you dont just stop everything and "put it in God's hands". (these comments have always baffled me. we're human and worry seems to be a natural reaction. how in the world do you just.."stop"??!) ..you can do something to improve your situation.

so just as my brother and i did in ball, i dug in, and i have started 'practicing'. i look at what i'm worrying about. i ask myself, have i done *everything* i can possibly do to keep myself from the worst case scenario? if i havent, then that is my first step that day. if i have done everything i can personally do, then i take my practice somewhere else. to God. to prayer. to memory verses.

about worry
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:25-27 New International Version

"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble."
Psalm 46:1

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth."
Psalm 121:1-2 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take."
Proverbs 3:5-6

and i turn to memory verses on HOPE

"He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
miracles that cannot be counted."
Job 5:9

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:6

---

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

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"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:27

You must understand that while i was given a natural born ability to play ball, i've never been great at being a 'good' follower of God. i worry a lot...which is sort of like a big slap in God's face. Faith is the heart beat of being following God. you have to learn to trust God through every piece of your life.

so knowing my struggles, i have used what my parents and coaches have taught me, and began to practice and ask for help....because how else will i improve? i know i cannot accomplish this on my own.

ball taught me so very much...and it easily transitions into becoming a better follower of God:

i must learn to *never* take my eyes off Him...for when i do, things fall apart, and i'm likely to get hurt....but even if get hurt, i shouldnt quit..i should never give up.(He didnt fail me, i did, i took my eyes off of Him) ..so when it happens, i need to turn back to the bible and prayer and practice.

and sometimes, no matter how hard you pray, no matter how well you've handled a situation, you can still fail...but that's okay. (you cant win them all..) you pick yourself up, and you learn from your loss. you become a better person because of your trials.

some may look at ball as something silly, even a waste of time...something that just passes the summer time as a child...but for me (and surely for my brother) we were given life lessons. something that has stayed with us, years after our glory days have passed.

i look back in wonder at my childhood. i had no idea what was being ingrained in me. it is amazing to see (in hindsight) God's plan rolling out your life and how He was forming you into the person He wanted you to become.

i am forever grateful for what i learned during my years in the dirt and with sun on my skin. it makes me excited to look at my children and know that these years, these summers in the sun, will not be just a time to pass...but life lessons building their hearts and minds into something much greater than we could ever hope for.

Jeremiah 29:11-14

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴

Psalm 139:13-16:

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I

praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

what.are.you.having./gender.disappointment.

when that moment comes when you are finally visably pregnant, one of the first things out of many well wishers' mouthes is the question: what are you having? do you know what you're having? etc..

is it lack of other things to say? i mean, other than the obligatory congratulations, 'are you done after this one?', and the ever popular 'how are you feeling?'....there isnt very much else to really say.

the problem with this is that it creates so many mixed feelings. as a mom of 2, plus 1 angel baby, i'm already nervous enough. i'm a planner, which i am positive makes God laugh every day...but i cant really conquer that yet. i must plan. i must make plans.

so when in mid december, i jokingly took a pregnancy test, and only half glanced down, to shockingly find a positive result...my heart beat has never quite been the same.

secretly, i've always wanted a large family. yes, i know, society has this ENORMOUS tendency to judge that statement. people actually feel HATE towards big families like the Duggars. that's just scary to me. why is there so much judgement in the world over things that in NO WAY affect your life? we are far from rich. but we make concessions. we dont do "disposable". we save where ever we can. we freeze what we dont need right away. we stock pile certain necessities. and we are content. we are well fed. we go through hard times but it's never something that has affected the feelings or bellies of my family. i dont know God's plan for us, but i trust it, and our hearts are overflowing with love to give.

so from mid december on, i've been planning. i've had a serious case of the "what if's?"

my planning led to this reasoning: if we have another girl, we'll be in a fairly easy situation. we have TONS of pink clothes, pink toys, pink blankets, and dont get me started on hair bows. we are well supplied in pink baby stuff.

and for future thinking, this baby and Amelia would only be 1 year apart (if not less, given my preterm issues) which meant if they played ball, they would be on the same ball team--which meant Arnie and I could definitely manage summer ball)...and given the "what if" of the possibility of having another girl, being that close in age meant that ease would come with lots of things, not just summer ball.

so, in march, we scheduled a gender reveal ultrasound, and almost immediately, without the tech saying anything, i knew. one swipe on the ultrasound wand, i glanced non-girl parts. my husband might have saw the flicker in my eye because he then asked the tech if she knew the sex yet. she said she was trying to get a good picture and within seconds, it was confirmed. boy.

my heart jumped. planning-down the drain. now a whole new set of "what ifs" came about. more planning. lots more planning.

and then i stopped and took a breath. i looked at my husband. he was beaming. he was getting a son. his own mini me. i looked at Lily who was wiggling in the back seat of the tahoe. she was ecstatic. she was getting a brother.

screw planning. we've just been blessed in a crazy awesome way.

gender disappointment? i've read about it. i've watched as well wishers basically encouraged it (i've experienced it when we were having Amelia--people would ask- and we would say girl--and they would say..aww...well, are you going to try again?) ...but then those same folks--if an expectant mom would emote that she did feel a little let down at finding out the sex, it was an immediate shunning. well, healthy is what matters. you should be grateful. it's baffling to me that people who are NOT directly involved in your family can affect your emotions so much.

i feel for women who've truly experienced gender disappointment. how hard it must be to deal with your feelings (which is nearly impossible to explain-yes you are happy and grateful, but there's also a worry...a feeling of wondering if you'll ever have a baby boy/girl), the immediate guilt, AND the judgement of strangers who all feel the need to give you their opinion without so much as batting an eye at your feelings.

as someone who is pregnant, you're already dealing with TONS. no way should you have to deal with this crazy reverse ninja psychology.

so i still see hints of it with "well wishers" with us. someone asks what we are having and we say boy. i hesitate. it's taking me a while to get used to not refering to the baby as a she. so then i see a questioning in their eyes. arent you happy? of course i am! i'm still struggling with saying "boy". it's taking me a while! give me a break!

when i sit at home and Amelia is napping, i feel *him* move. i think ahead to his future (always lightly planning). i think about highschool and sports. (it seems different with a boy) going to ball games. what position will he play? will he love football? will we hear his name on the loudspeaker? i think about raising him to be a good man. one who treats women with respect, opening doors, lending jackets, saying mam and sir. i think of him with his sisters and the relationship i hope to nurture. my heart swells.

so when you see me sitting quietly, looking pensive and maybe a bit worried; know this: it isnt disappointment. it's planning. we have so much pink! i'm planning for baby buys, how many more cloth diapers i might need, so.. however small...i enjoy planning.

we recently had another ultrasound. Dr Lepi let us see *him* in 4d pictures. we saw *his* face. i'm in love all over again. i've never been more excited. a son. we're having a son! we cannot wait to meet him.

black sheep

i am, self-admittedly, not a people person. i'm not a social girl. i'm not chatty cathy. i have an odd, ironic, and sarcastic sense of humor..that i'm sure can come off as rude...but i'm always careful (or i try to be) of other's feelings...and when i step on someone's feelings, it sends me reeling. i'm lost, embarassed, and heart broken that i've somehow hurt someone's feelings by stating my opinion. i rarely find the courage to say i'm sorry...which is bad.

but sometimes too, i feel like i can state my opinion on something, and it gets blown out of proportion. --i just want to say, "hey, this is what i said, it's my opinion, it was not, nor was it ever an attack on you. there is no need to hold a silent grudge!"

i have a sharp tongue. i'm trying very hard to control that and keep my mouth in check. i know i am doing better. but there is always room for improvement.

i have always, always felt like the black sheep of society. no matter where i've been, what's going on, i'm always on the edge of things. i dont see the need to be the center of anything and in the end, i end up sort of being left out- either by my own doing, or by just being left out and or unnoticed.

arnie is a social person. it makes me nervous, much more so when we first together, but i've gotten better, but i still have my moments where i instinctively want to grab his arm and yank him away from large groups of people. who in the world has THAT much to talk about?

i thought he would help me step out of my comfort zone...but instead, i seem to have dragged him into my world of edging the parties, not much to say, and avoiding the group.

i'm not stuck up...it's laughable to think i would think i'm better than anyone. i was not raised that way. i just dont socialize well.

i'm a homebody. i've read about moms who "need" me time. who need a girls' night. who have to get away from kid talk. ...that's not me. it actually stresses me out. i often joked in college, especially in psychology classes, about prison life being perfect for me: minimal human interaction, routine, and a little exercise. it doesnt bother me. solitary confinement (before i had the girls) doesnt even remotely scare me. it doesnt bother me to be alone and silent for hours or days. its comforting for me.

if i'm at home, just me and Amelia, i can "live dangerously" and have the radio on. i sing and dance and make Amelia giggle...but when Arnie and Lily get home, if he attempts to switch the radio to on, i hit the wall. NO. no more noise. it's not music to my ears then...it's just: noise. distraction. stress. especially if he turns the radio on and then tries to carry on a conversation with me. my eyes nearly fall out of my head. weird things like that stress me out.

so, now that i've shared that with you...something as simple as mutliple noises going on at once being a stresser...you can imagine what being in a group of people can do to me. ahh. multiple conversations...trying to be polite and respond to the correct person with more than a one word answer? ack.
i am very much a girl in need of quiet time.

that being said though, i'm sure some of you are thinking "well, good luck with 3 kids. you think it's noisy now...just wait."

that doesnt bother me. it's my kids. it's almost soothing. that noise? i'm not worried about it.

so yes, arnie and i often refer to ourselves as the black sheep in many, many situations. i often refer to it as the seperation of the classes...at which Arnie laughs. i'm used to it. i've seen it a lot. i know where and what i come from. we dont discuss whether Lily is going to get an iPad (she wont. to me, that is silly. if she wants something to do, i have books galore and a big yard to play in) we dont talk about remodeling (we make "improvements", but a full over-haul is beyond...well just beyond us) we never consider buying a vehicle (our tahoe is paid off--which is a HUGE accomplishment for us, and arnie has a 1991 ranger that we're hoping we can pay for the repairs needed in order to get it running again)

sometime, when you're around us, ask either one of us how old the glove is that we use for softball. arnie's, of course, beats mine by a few years (mine was a hand me down from my brother- and i've used it since tball)...the point is they both have many miles on them..and we take a little bit of pride in that. we talk to lily about this sort of thing and try to instill in her a sense to take care of things and make them last. not only is it frugal...but it gives everything a back story. makes things more interesting.

arnie's truck is a 91. that's the year he graduated high school. i was 9 years old the year that truck hit the road, and while i sometimes say i hate it, that truck has been wonderful and faithful to us and has only had minor issues and for that we are thankful.
now, there is absolutely *nothing* wrong with doing any of those things...remodeling, buying your kids an ipad, getting a new vehicle.. nothing!!! this is not an attack on anyone, and this is most certainly not an "i'm better than you" blog.
this stuff is just not "us". we dont relate to it...so we dont have anything to say about it. we cant sympathize or empathize. we just kind of awkwardly shrug our shoulders and hope for a conversation change.

i'm often made fun of, because i'm a hoarder of certain things. i go into "the great depression" mode. i save. i save, preserve, and i pack away. what was once wasteful is wasteful no more. we use, reuse, and use again until it falls apart (unless of course reuse=unsanitary. health is never sacraficed)
yes, i know most of this is our own doing, we try, but thanks to my awkwardness, neither one of us is one hundred percent sure what to do in many areas. so if you see us, skirting the edges, dont make the assumption we're snooty. haha..we are so very far from snooty. we're just a little weird...and defintely socially awkward--more so me, than arnie. i tend to drag him down the social ladder. :)

i dont worry too much, though. i know i'll always be worse than anyone else in the family. arnie will never be anywhere near my antisocial level and lily, well, lily is a social butterfly, whom we cannot get to stop talking.

i just wanted to make a statement and kind of..well..explain ourselves because i know when you dont jump right in and join a conversation, it can and will be taken the wrong way and we didnt want that to happen. we just tend to favor the less is more category.

climbing onto my soapbox today.

i read a lot and i hear a lot of people who say things like they hate the world today and they hate the fact that theyre a human (because we're such a terrible species), etc.

it really just irks me. you shouldnt hate anyone, no matter who they are or what they've done. you shouldnt judge them, no matter what the jury or the peanut gallery has to say. it's not your place. and this earth is where God wants you right now. it's a gift...(and man i'd hate to be someone who has to get you a gift..i can only imagine what you say about material things when you complain about the land you live on/in and the species that you are)

your life...your own life is a personal gift from God himself. he personally planned out every day you would have. he knows the hairs on your head, every wrinkle when you smile, he knows every secret you keep. he is aware of every flaw you have, every bad thought that occurs...and you know what? He loves you anyways. He loves you so much that he has a place reserved just for you. His heart breaks when you use His name in vain, he doesnt like to see you in sorrow. He mourns for you as no other could because He made you because He wanted to. He thought you up from nothing and sculpted you with loving hands and a heart so forgiving that it cannot be described with words. He rejoices when you smile and probably (at least in my mind) does a happy dance when you thank Him for anything..like..another day on earth.

i, like so many others, often forget to turn to Him when things are going smoothly, but turn to Him often in times of need. i'm getting better and i guess i should thank the constant haters of everything that i started off writing about because those people are making me a little better at remembering to thank God for another day on this planet. the gift of another day with my family. for dirty dishes, unfolded laundry, and the ever growing grass that needs mowed...because these things mean i am rich in comparison to many.

my life is not easy. it never has been. but i choose to look at everything as a whole instead of bits and pieces. because if i lumped all the bad things..all the heart break...everything that hurt me into one big pile and started sifting through it, i would be a bitter bitter soul.

so i look at everything and i see the BIG picture. the one that made me who i am today...and into the person i am still becoming. being someone who follows God does NOT guarantee a life on easy street. in fact, things sometime become tougher...but in the long run..in the big picture, you can look back and feel your heart warm...and glow with love because you can see why you went through the bad.

i am thankful for my daughters, for my husband, and for the life growing inside me because these are all hand wrapped gifts, personalized just for me. i get a little miffed when someone asks, "are you done after this one?" (meaning this baby) because it's not my plan. it's God's. ask Him. i mean it. really. talk to God. the world would be a better place if more people did...and if the conversation starts because of me...that's okay. it's not really important what you start talking about just that you start talking.

and for those who say people cant be changed...that the world may never get better. ...maybe it wont. but maybe it will. it's up to God. and us, of course. God is way bigger than the problems this world has in it. miracles happen every day. every single day...and if you dont believe that, maybe you should shut your mouth for a day and just look around you. stop complaining and listen...and look. you need look no further than a mirror. you are a miracle. but there's so much more. just take a moment and breathe and be thankful.

formula feeding and my thoughts.

**warning- there will be some "tmi" moments in this blog. prepare yourself for them, or leave now. you've been warned**



so, i've recently been bombarded with a gaggle of articles more or less condemning formula feeding. it really just ticks me off. i do not dispute the "breast is best" concept at all, HOWEVER, i do not believe that every article about such topics should make mothers like myself feel like dirt.
some moms, no matter how much they want to, are unable to breastfeed or are unable to breastfeed as long as they want to. which was my case both times. so when i see an article that mentions formula, i want to read it...and then immediately following that, disappointment, guilt, and just bad feelings.

i think there needs to be more support, emotionally, especially, for moms who are pushed into formula feeding. when looking for positivity in formula feeding, i find very little. i find more of the scary articles that list obesity, frequent sickness, and just over all poor health of those children who are formula fed.

it's weird too, i was formula fed. i'm not obese (never have been) have never had a weight problem (maybe a little under, but i have a high metabolism), and over all, i'm a pretty healthy chick. the problems i have encountered are more of those that are caused by outside circumstances. i've never once had the question posed by a doctor, "well, were you formula fed?"...as if that was the root of my problem.

now, again, i want to reiterate that i believe with all my heart that if you can, then you should, breast feed. but let me share with you my story:

i had Lily when i was 20, and while i thought i knew what i was getting into, i was sorely mistaken. i had these magical images in my head of how awesome it would be to breastfeed Lily (i know i've mentioned this before). i had NO idea the pain involved. i was completely unaware that it takes up to 3 days for your milk to "come in". i didnt realize that you must be relaxed to have a "let down"...add to that the stress of needing some alone time and sort of being bombarded with guilt of allowing friends and family to meet Lily. i was way to stressed! she was my first baby! i was clueless. i was also extremely poorly educated on breastfeeding. after 6 weeks, through tears and tons of guilt, i gave up and formula fed. within a week, i'd never been happier and miraculously, Lily's fussiness was at an all time low. even now, typing this, i feel the sting of guilt.

but i look at Lily and she's 7 and healthy. no serious illnesses, not overweight (which is a claim against formula), and happy and active...and i try to let go of the guilt. the problems she has (hearing loss) has been deemed congenital and possibly hereditary and in no way related to formula.

last year, i gave birth to Amelia. the birth itself was easy. one push. but then my trouble started. my placenta wasnt budging...and i was bleeding. i felt sick, dizzy, and really weak...and i heard the mention of blood transfusion and suddenly my heart was in my throat. then a nurse was at my side with smelling salts and a syringe of something that she said would help stop my bleeding...and just as quickly as it started, it was over and i was fine.

little did i know, blood loss can affect your milk supply. and while this time around, i was better read, and a little more educated, i was again, shocked and disheartened by my experience. i needed to heal and i guess "recharge" from what had just happened, but i also knew that breastfeeding immediately was the right thing to do for myself and Amelia...so i was trying. and i continued to try. i cried a lot.

but i wasnt giving up. i had a lactation consultant round the clock that was at my beckon call. i was asking questions, taking notes, and reading their pamphlets. i took their suggestions and their encouragement. i stayed as positive as i could. day three rolled around and there was barely anything. i didnt give up. i went through a lot with Amelia. i continued to follow up with my lactation consultant. i went through WIC and borrowed a hospital grade electric double pump. i did power pumping (look it up. it's insane. i opted to pump through the night also.. and i was already exhausted)

i stressed a ton. i wanted to keep a strict schedule for pumping and feeding to keep my dwindling milk supply from slipping by the wayside, but we also wanted friends and family to see her...i however am modest and not big on public or semi public breastfeeding...so i stressed some more.

oh and WIC...they're supposed to be supportive and while some were, others were just down right mean. i HAD to supplement with Amelia, i simply didnt have enough to sustain her. and when i asked to change my order from exclusively breastfeeding to a mix of both breastfeeding and formula feeding, the girl i was speaking to resonded to me in a very flat, somewhat disgusted voice, "so you're giving up then." i honestly wanted to punch her in the face. she had no idea what i had gone through. NONE.

i talked and talked and talked to the consultant (also through WIC, and she was very supportive). the next option was to go to supplements. NOT something i was willing to do. so after 10 weeks of an insane schedule of feeding AND pumping, i tearfully let go and switched to formula. i was never engorged when i quit. that's how low my supply remained.


so, you see, i get notably angry when i read about the terrors of formula. the bad health affects it has on children today. i get really upset when i read those comments from moms that list off how they are "EBF" (exclusively breastfeeding) for X amount of months now. and i shouldnt but it ticks me off. i know i have a chip on my shoulder about it, but it's like a slap in the face. it's like bragging because you're tall. some people get it. some people dont. i havent yet. but i'm not giving up.

cain arnold dugan is due august 30th and i plan on trying again. but this time, no matter what happens, i will not guilt trip myself if breastfeeding doesnt work out. i cant keep beating myself up over it...and i hope more mothers realize this. it's not fair to mentally beat yourself up when you're already going to be a whirlwind of emotions and hormones. bottom line is love yourself and love your baby and do what's best for both of you. :)