Tuesday, January 31, 2012

i was wrong

this morning, as i was standing in my kitchen, doing my God time, a thought hit me. i've been doing this wrong. i've been wrong all along.

and while i should have been sad and disheartened, i was actually kind of thrilled that i realized this. i've been wrong. (shocker, i know)

you see, i've been allowing "things" to define my life. and not only my life, but my self-esteem, my sense of well being, and who i am as a wife, a mother, and a friend.

i'll give you a perfect example. this morning, i was standing at the sink, making breakfast and doing last night's "too tired" dishes and silently congratulating myself. Amelia was taking her nap (right on time)the sun was shining outside, my kitchen was relatively clean, the laundry was being finished up in the dryer as i stood there, clothes were folded and obediently waiting to be put away. life, was in order. i felt like an excellent wife. a good mother.

and then i stopped myself.

three days ago, i was glued to the couch with a trash can between my legs- hoping i didnt throw up, yet again, holding an INSANELY fussy Amelia, who absolutely refused to take a nap ALL DAY, the dirty clothes were strung from here to there, the dishes hadnt been touched in two or three days and Lily was literally going straight down the gutter with behavior at school and (gasp!) at church!

three days ago, i sat on that couch- in tears. i was a failure as a wife (every one who gets morning sickness survives and works through it, YOU are no exception) i was a complete failure as a mom- Amelia wouldnt stop screaming no matter what i did, Lily's behavior seemed to be an instant reflection on how we've raised her. i'm a terrible friend (i never call my friends, ever.) Dinner was out of the question. i couldnt look at food, let alone prepare it for my family, who would soon be arriving home.

i have allowed all these moments to define me and my mood--good moments and bad...instead of seeing these moments for what they really are. Lessons and blessings.

today i realized that just because Amelia is fussy and doesnt take her naps doesnt make me any less of a good mom. Just because Lily is a challenge in public places- it doesnt define my task of being a parent. i allow people to push my feelings in one way or another. i see hesitation when another's child wants to play with Lily (is that worry that they'll pick up something bad/troubling from her?)
-if it is, so be it. i read something today about raising stubborn children that completely and totally lifted my spirits about her and her challenges. so if another parent is hesitant to have their child around mine, then i dont care. i'm letting them suck up all that worry and doubt. i will do it no longer.

i'm putting this in God's hands. i'm going to start teaching Lily that stubborness can be an absolute blessing when used in the right situations (helping those less fortunate, looking for those who were left out of the group---ideas i got from the article this morning)
i know that the change in her will be there, it will just take time and lots of patience. i will surround her with love and with friends and parents who know her for who her heart truly is and love her always.
i will look at the days when Amelia is beyond fussy with thankfulness. i have been blessed with her (and Lily) and i cant imagine life without them. i will put myself in the shoes of those who have lost a child. of those who struggle with infertility...and i will be HUMBLE and ever thankful for what God has given me.
i will stop beating myself up for not calling friends. my close friends know me and know my weirdness about phones and calling people. it doesnt make me less of a friend. it just makes me weird...and grateful that i have friends in my life that understand me and accept me for who i am.
i will embrace the days when i cant get off the couch because of morning sickness because i never saw myself being pregnant again. i will look at my baby's first picture and remember the sound of that *amazing* heart beat. i will be thankful that God has blessed our lives so abundantly that for that last few days, i find myself with tears in my eyes because i dont deserve this. i dont deserve any of this and yet i am blessed beyond my means, filled up, and overflowing.

how good is God that i am alive and life is growing inside me. how great is He, that i have this remarkably unique family that is strong in love and supportive no matter what.
i am grateful. i am thankful.
today is a great day, not because of the things that have happened, but because i've been blessed in more ways than i can see.
you know how when you're in an argument and the answer comes to light and it comes out that you were right all along and you just feel...vindicated??
well, today is a great day... because i was wrong. :)