Wednesday, October 12, 2011


now that arnie and i are parents of two children, multiple questions and worries arise in me.
we bask in the smiles of our infant daughter and marvel at the fact that we did this once before seven years ago. we struggle to remember (did we do this with Lily?)
and then guilt follows....we feel that we are far from seasoned parents, but we also feel that we are, at least, slightly, improved in our parenting skills.
i constantly question if Lily got this same amount of attention and comfort. did i talk to her as much? did i interact this much with her? how is she affected by watching us interact with Amelia?
my girls are being raised different, no matter how hard i try for that not to happen, it is. when i became pregnant with Lily, i had no fear of miscarriage, i had no knowledge of any dangers that might be lurking around the corner.. i was blissfully ignorant. i did things that i wouldnt dream of doing while being pregnant now.
we look back now and realize that we were much more immature as parents with Lily as a baby than we are now.
with Amelia, i was all too aware of what i could lose. when she was born- healthy and adorable, it was a moment of tears, of relief, of thankfulness. with Lily, i was so impatient for her to be born, when she came, it was more of a "finally!" moment. i didnt give myself to the moment the way i should've.

my hope is that i raise two girls who are much, much more confident than i was or am today. that they make wise decisions, that they are not quick tempered like me, but that they show patience and kindness, even in the face of difficulty. that they are raised with our church and have a love and devotion for God that is nurtured by everyone they know.

i worry often about the differences between Amelia and Lily and how they will turn out and how much myself or Arnie influences who they will be as adults. one can only wish...and pray...that we are doing right by them.

on suffering..and loss

as a friend or family member, i hope you know that if you are going through bad times, if you are suffering, then i suffer with you.
i am not one who shows emotions, i'm not big on showing affection, but i promise you that if you are in pain, i am pained with you.
there are things that have happened here recently right here in zanesville that i have tried hard to avoid. i dont want to give it a great deal of thought. i dont want to travel into the basement of dispair and sadness and loss.
a mother lost her child.
i dont know this woman. i didnt know her child.
but i am a mom. and my heart breaks for her. my eyes tear up just thinking about her pain.
a friend brought up that this lady's child was a twin and that with every milestone that her other son reaches, it will be a reminder of the fact that she lost one. i needed to block out the conversation at that point.

i remember when i was pregant with Lily and i was in a group setting, the topic arose to who was the youngest mother. i was quickly ruled out because i wasnt considered a mother yet. my feelings were hurt. but i forgot about it and gave birth to a healthy baby girl who has more gusto than i ever expected.
flash foward to august 27th 2010. i went in to the ER and found out that the baby in my belly had no heart beat. i certainly felt like a mother at that point. and i feel the loss still.

i feel the loss every time i see a baby that is the same age that mine would've been. my heart breaks with pain. my baby would be five months old. there is a constant lump that stays in the back of my throat.

i found out another friend is due in april. that was my due date. i feel my breath catch in my throat. it's never ending. because it was my month, i know too much information. i know the month they conceived. i know what week she's in. i know the symptoms she's probably experiencing. i am happy for her...but i feel the sadness cover me like a rough wool blanket.

i cannot imagine another parent's loss. but i know my own and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. my reminders are small and i block out when i can, however unhealthy that may be...but some have daily reminders...constant reminders... how deep their sadness must be.

i have been greatly blessed and i do not question my losses (very often). i live each day and remember and pray the prayer of Jabez. i remind myself of when Jesus said you do not have because you do not ask. i pray for those i love and those i know are suffering.

so if you ever see me staring a little too long at a baby...maybe now you'll understand why. and please remember something before you comment: one child does not replace another. and strangely, amelia does not remind me of anything's only when i see a baby that would've been the same age as mine...and i am oh so very thankful for what i have. i just felt like venting since i'm not one to "talk" about my feelings.

  • Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request. 1 Chronicles 4:10.