Through the Looking glass

I've caught myself wondering a few times this month if I've somehow acquired seasonal depression. Where Christmas used to be this magical time of year, this year I could barely drag myself out of the house. Where trees were in every room of my house, decorated and themed...this year they were went up, with lights and save for our living room tree, no decorations were added. Christmas day, I just didnt want to go anywhere..and the day after, my trees and deco came down swiftly.... I still didnt feel "better". I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today and stopped and stared. Who the hell am i these days? The autumn of this year was shitty, to put it lightly and even through therapy, I dont think I've recovered I dont know that i will ever recover who I was before everything went to hell in a hand basket. I look in the mirror and I dont see strong. I see broken. I dont see resilience. I see exhaustion. I see downright sadness that is pulling me deeper and deeper into an abyss and I am too fucking tired to worry about it. I see bitterness because so few understand or know the mountain of issues I am battling...including dealing with one monster that has taken one of the closest people I could run to and alienating that relationship. I had to go through a box tonight and near the bottom were all the papers from September. All of Arnie's "notes" while he was in his steroid induced haze of crazy. And just like that: what I thought was a new pink scar suddenly became an open, gaping wound at a glancing through of said paperwork. I wanted to burn it but it wouldnt satisfy the rage I feel towards that life altering event that has no one to blame and everyone to blame all at the same time. All the awful things that were said...memories that I cannot erase seem to play on repeat on days like today. How no one in the medical field would listen to me. How I had NO rights. How I was left alone and hopeless. Hopeless. I see that, too, in that glance in the mirror. Hopelessness. And I dont need a list of how I'm blessed. I go through that list daily... and dont I know things could be worse...but do I really need reminded of that? I kind of bristle at the new year, new me posts. I dont want to tempt fate. Honestly, after what I walked through in 2018, I'm afraid for what 2019 may have in store for me. One thing is for certain, I realized first hand and the hard way that absolutely anything can happen to you in the blink of an eye....at the drop of a dime, your life can change and all that you knew and loved and found comfort in could be gone.

Take the picture

If you are happy right now, do yourself a favor and take pictures of these moments. Write about it, make notes, smile until your face hurts and then take more pictures. Life can turn on a dime and in that instant, your happiness can be stolen so quickly you won't have an opportunity to catch your breath. So take the photos. Remember the moments. Take a video of the laughter and love and light you have shining .. Because some day will come when you will cling to those memories so hard you will fear that you might break them. You will look so hard for a moment when it didnt hurt to smile that you will shake with pain and torment. Have proof that there were good times. Have some documentation that you were happy Because when you hit rock bottom, if you dont have those memories, you will be like me. A ghost. A sad bag of bones wishing you could just die. Struggling to breathe from the misery of losing everything that you didn't even realize you were taking for granted in the first place. Clinging to a person you loved...and who once loved you...with all your heart...with everything you ever had...clinging to them even when they've broken your very soul into so many pieces that it is basically just dust in the wind. I cant be put back together. This cant be undone. So take the picture, trust me. You'll need it.