Wednesday, April 11, 2012

when that moment comes when you are finally visably pregnant, one of the first things out of many well wishers' mouthes is the question: what are you having? do you know what you're having? etc..

is it lack of other things to say? i mean, other than the obligatory congratulations, 'are you done after this one?', and the ever popular 'how are you feeling?'....there isnt very much else to really say.

the problem with this is that it creates so many mixed feelings. as a mom of 2, plus 1 angel baby, i'm already nervous enough. i'm a planner, which i am positive makes God laugh every day...but i cant really conquer that yet. i must plan. i must make plans.

so when in mid december, i jokingly took a pregnancy test, and only half glanced down, to shockingly find a positive heart beat has never quite been the same.

secretly, i've always wanted a large family. yes, i know, society has this ENORMOUS tendency to judge that statement. people actually feel HATE towards big families like the Duggars. that's just scary to me. why is there so much judgement in the world over things that in NO WAY affect your life? we are far from rich. but we make concessions. we dont do "disposable". we save where ever we can. we freeze what we dont need right away. we stock pile certain necessities. and we are content. we are well fed. we go through hard times but it's never something that has affected the feelings or bellies of my family. i dont know God's plan for us, but i trust it, and our hearts are overflowing with love to give.

so from mid december on, i've been planning. i've had a serious case of the "what if's?"

my planning led to this reasoning: if we have another girl, we'll be in a fairly easy situation. we have TONS of pink clothes, pink toys, pink blankets, and dont get me started on hair bows. we are well supplied in pink baby stuff.

and for future thinking, this baby and Amelia would only be 1 year apart (if not less, given my preterm issues) which meant if they played ball, they would be on the same ball team--which meant Arnie and I could definitely manage summer ball)...and given the "what if" of the possibility of having another girl, being that close in age meant that ease would come with lots of things, not just summer ball.

so, in march, we scheduled a gender reveal ultrasound, and almost immediately, without the tech saying anything, i knew. one swipe on the ultrasound wand, i glanced non-girl parts. my husband might have saw the flicker in my eye because he then asked the tech if she knew the sex yet. she said she was trying to get a good picture and within seconds, it was confirmed. boy.

my heart jumped. planning-down the drain. now a whole new set of "what ifs" came about. more planning. lots more planning.

and then i stopped and took a breath. i looked at my husband. he was beaming. he was getting a son. his own mini me. i looked at Lily who was wiggling in the back seat of the tahoe. she was ecstatic. she was getting a brother.

screw planning. we've just been blessed in a crazy awesome way.

gender disappointment? i've read about it. i've watched as well wishers basically encouraged it (i've experienced it when we were having Amelia--people would ask- and we would say girl--and they would say..aww...well, are you going to try again?) ...but then those same folks--if an expectant mom would emote that she did feel a little let down at finding out the sex, it was an immediate shunning. well, healthy is what matters. you should be grateful. it's baffling to me that people who are NOT directly involved in your family can affect your emotions so much.

i feel for women who've truly experienced gender disappointment. how hard it must be to deal with your feelings (which is nearly impossible to explain-yes you are happy and grateful, but there's also a worry...a feeling of wondering if you'll ever have a baby boy/girl), the immediate guilt, AND the judgement of strangers who all feel the need to give you their opinion without so much as batting an eye at your feelings.

as someone who is pregnant, you're already dealing with TONS. no way should you have to deal with this crazy reverse ninja psychology.

so i still see hints of it with "well wishers" with us. someone asks what we are having and we say boy. i hesitate. it's taking me a while to get used to not refering to the baby as a she. so then i see a questioning in their eyes. arent you happy? of course i am! i'm still struggling with saying "boy". it's taking me a while! give me a break!

when i sit at home and Amelia is napping, i feel *him* move. i think ahead to his future (always lightly planning). i think about highschool and sports. (it seems different with a boy) going to ball games. what position will he play? will he love football? will we hear his name on the loudspeaker? i think about raising him to be a good man. one who treats women with respect, opening doors, lending jackets, saying mam and sir. i think of him with his sisters and the relationship i hope to nurture. my heart swells.

so when you see me sitting quietly, looking pensive and maybe a bit worried; know this: it isnt disappointment. it's planning. we have so much pink! i'm planning for baby buys, how many more cloth diapers i might need, so.. however small...i enjoy planning.

we recently had another ultrasound. Dr Lepi let us see *him* in 4d pictures. we saw *his* face. i'm in love all over again. i've never been more excited. a son. we're having a son! we cannot wait to meet him.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

black sheep

i am, self-admittedly, not a people person. i'm not a social girl. i'm not chatty cathy. i have an odd, ironic, and sarcastic sense of humor..that i'm sure can come off as rude...but i'm always careful (or i try to be) of other's feelings...and when i step on someone's feelings, it sends me reeling. i'm lost, embarassed, and heart broken that i've somehow hurt someone's feelings by stating my opinion. i rarely find the courage to say i'm sorry...which is bad.

but sometimes too, i feel like i can state my opinion on something, and it gets blown out of proportion. --i just want to say, "hey, this is what i said, it's my opinion, it was not, nor was it ever an attack on you. there is no need to hold a silent grudge!"

i have a sharp tongue. i'm trying very hard to control that and keep my mouth in check. i know i am doing better. but there is always room for improvement.

i have always, always felt like the black sheep of society. no matter where i've been, what's going on, i'm always on the edge of things. i dont see the need to be the center of anything and in the end, i end up sort of being left out- either by my own doing, or by just being left out and or unnoticed.

arnie is a social person. it makes me nervous, much more so when we first together, but i've gotten better, but i still have my moments where i instinctively want to grab his arm and yank him away from large groups of people. who in the world has THAT much to talk about?

i thought he would help me step out of my comfort zone...but instead, i seem to have dragged him into my world of edging the parties, not much to say, and avoiding the group.

i'm not stuck's laughable to think i would think i'm better than anyone. i was not raised that way. i just dont socialize well.

i'm a homebody. i've read about moms who "need" me time. who need a girls' night. who have to get away from kid talk. ...that's not me. it actually stresses me out. i often joked in college, especially in psychology classes, about prison life being perfect for me: minimal human interaction, routine, and a little exercise. it doesnt bother me. solitary confinement (before i had the girls) doesnt even remotely scare me. it doesnt bother me to be alone and silent for hours or days. its comforting for me.

if i'm at home, just me and Amelia, i can "live dangerously" and have the radio on. i sing and dance and make Amelia giggle...but when Arnie and Lily get home, if he attempts to switch the radio to on, i hit the wall. NO. no more noise. it's not music to my ears's just: noise. distraction. stress. especially if he turns the radio on and then tries to carry on a conversation with me. my eyes nearly fall out of my head. weird things like that stress me out.

so, now that i've shared that with you...something as simple as mutliple noises going on at once being a can imagine what being in a group of people can do to me. ahh. multiple conversations...trying to be polite and respond to the correct person with more than a one word answer? ack.
i am very much a girl in need of quiet time.

that being said though, i'm sure some of you are thinking "well, good luck with 3 kids. you think it's noisy now...just wait."

that doesnt bother me. it's my kids. it's almost soothing. that noise? i'm not worried about it.

so yes, arnie and i often refer to ourselves as the black sheep in many, many situations. i often refer to it as the seperation of the which Arnie laughs. i'm used to it. i've seen it a lot. i know where and what i come from. we dont discuss whether Lily is going to get an iPad (she wont. to me, that is silly. if she wants something to do, i have books galore and a big yard to play in) we dont talk about remodeling (we make "improvements", but a full over-haul is beyond...well just beyond us) we never consider buying a vehicle (our tahoe is paid off--which is a HUGE accomplishment for us, and arnie has a 1991 ranger that we're hoping we can pay for the repairs needed in order to get it running again)

sometime, when you're around us, ask either one of us how old the glove is that we use for softball. arnie's, of course, beats mine by a few years (mine was a hand me down from my brother- and i've used it since tball)...the point is they both have many miles on them..and we take a little bit of pride in that. we talk to lily about this sort of thing and try to instill in her a sense to take care of things and make them last. not only is it frugal...but it gives everything a back story. makes things more interesting.

arnie's truck is a 91. that's the year he graduated high school. i was 9 years old the year that truck hit the road, and while i sometimes say i hate it, that truck has been wonderful and faithful to us and has only had minor issues and for that we are thankful.

now, there is absolutely *nothing* wrong with doing any of those things...remodeling, buying your kids an ipad, getting a new vehicle.. nothing!!! this is not an attack on anyone, and this is most certainly not an "i'm better than you" blog.
this stuff is just not "us". we dont relate to we dont have anything to say about it. we cant sympathize or empathize. we just kind of awkwardly shrug our shoulders and hope for a conversation change.

i'm often made fun of, because i'm a hoarder of certain things. i go into "the great depression" mode. i save. i save, preserve, and i pack away. what was once wasteful is wasteful no more. we use, reuse, and use again until it falls apart (unless of course reuse=unsanitary. health is never sacraficed)
yes, i know most of this is our own doing, we try, but thanks to my awkwardness, neither one of us is one hundred percent sure what to do in many areas. so if you see us, skirting the edges, dont make the assumption we're snooty. haha..we are so very far from snooty. we're just a little weird...and defintely socially awkward--more so me, than arnie. i tend to drag him down the social ladder. :)

i dont worry too much, though. i know i'll always be worse than anyone else in the family. arnie will never be anywhere near my antisocial level and lily, well, lily is a social butterfly, whom we cannot get to stop talking.

i just wanted to make a statement and kind of..well..explain ourselves because i know when you dont jump right in and join a conversation, it can and will be taken the wrong way and we didnt want that to happen. we just tend to favor the less is more category.