Ive been to therapy. I'm not good at keeping up with it. Life happens. My kids happen. I cant seem to find the time for me. 4 kids get shuffled onto buses and one kid stays at home for homeschooling. My husband is working and they've added another day to his shift so now we only get Sundays off together. Therapies dont happen in the evening, they happen during school hours so, again, I cannot seem to find the time for me.
I find myself struggling recently. Staring off into space, zoning out out something negative. My reasonable brain tries to stop these things, but the bully part of my brain pushes any thought of reason out. I need to soak into the negative. It's funny, because I've had so many people praise me on always being able to see the lighter side of things- the positive spin, if you will. It's true, I can spin things positively on the external...but inside, I'm already ready for the worst case scenario and ten other narrratives that I've come up with in my anxious brain. I guess that is what trauma does to you.
But that's not why I'm here. I'm here because I'm tired of being one of those girls...you know the ones on tiktok that list off all their nervous tiks and issues and stemming and then answer it all with "because...trauma."
I've been through a ton. It sucked and if it were up to me, I'd rather just forget it all. Pretend it didnt happen. I mean, I guess that's avoidance, but is it really when I've lived in it, talked about it, wrote about, screamed about it, and cried about it? Maybe I'm just done. Maybe that isnt healthy, but I'd rather move on than soak in this shit until my fingers get all pruny.
If we are all honest, we've all experienced some form of trauma and I'm willing to bet if we scaled it all, there would be people who well outweighed our own traumas and have become successful human beings with happy healthy homes...and then there are those on the other side who have had smaller things happen on this all weighing scale...and are just an absolute wreck.
Is it possible to just move on with it? Can we just get over it? Can we stop being "triggered"? I'm not shouting this out to you because I can already feel readers bristling at what I am saying and if you are bristling, then maybe you should ask yourself the same thing, maybe...just maybe youre living too hard in the life of "I'm a victim"..
No, today, I am asking myself: Can I fucking get over it already? Can I stop being afraid to write in my own physical journal because I'm somehow terrified that if i write something down, I will write it into existance? (seriously, this ridiculous belief lives in my head) Can I just live in a day with my husband, let him be goofy, and not constantly question if this is a manic phase happening again? I annoy the hell out of myself. I'm tired of being paranoid. I'm tired of it all. I would prefer to choose happiness.
I'm tired of seeing the sadness around me. Stop seeking out other damaged people and believing you are kindred spirits. You are not kindred spirits. Fix yourself and learn to be happy before anything else. A post has been making its rounds on social media about how you are responsible for your triggers and that it isn't the world's obligation to tiptoe around you. And to me, this is true. I'd rather go back to a time when there was less concern about hurting someone else's feelings. When there wasnt a need for safe spaces and the instant gratification of the internet appeasing your busy mind.
I feel like so many of us are just letting what has happened to us *continue* to define who we are, how we behave, who we are attracted to, how we live...and that is just fucking wrong. If you're doing something and your reasoning is because of trauma, triggers, etc....then you need to stop. Tell your therapist. Tell someone. Reach out and figure YOU out. Stop letting the bad things that happened control one single aspect of your life because let me tell you...I've done it and I'm fed up with this bullshit.
