Wednesday, April 11, 2012

when that moment comes when you are finally visably pregnant, one of the first things out of many well wishers' mouthes is the question: what are you having? do you know what you're having? etc..

is it lack of other things to say? i mean, other than the obligatory congratulations, 'are you done after this one?', and the ever popular 'how are you feeling?'....there isnt very much else to really say.

the problem with this is that it creates so many mixed feelings. as a mom of 2, plus 1 angel baby, i'm already nervous enough. i'm a planner, which i am positive makes God laugh every day...but i cant really conquer that yet. i must plan. i must make plans.

so when in mid december, i jokingly took a pregnancy test, and only half glanced down, to shockingly find a positive heart beat has never quite been the same.

secretly, i've always wanted a large family. yes, i know, society has this ENORMOUS tendency to judge that statement. people actually feel HATE towards big families like the Duggars. that's just scary to me. why is there so much judgement in the world over things that in NO WAY affect your life? we are far from rich. but we make concessions. we dont do "disposable". we save where ever we can. we freeze what we dont need right away. we stock pile certain necessities. and we are content. we are well fed. we go through hard times but it's never something that has affected the feelings or bellies of my family. i dont know God's plan for us, but i trust it, and our hearts are overflowing with love to give.

so from mid december on, i've been planning. i've had a serious case of the "what if's?"

my planning led to this reasoning: if we have another girl, we'll be in a fairly easy situation. we have TONS of pink clothes, pink toys, pink blankets, and dont get me started on hair bows. we are well supplied in pink baby stuff.

and for future thinking, this baby and Amelia would only be 1 year apart (if not less, given my preterm issues) which meant if they played ball, they would be on the same ball team--which meant Arnie and I could definitely manage summer ball)...and given the "what if" of the possibility of having another girl, being that close in age meant that ease would come with lots of things, not just summer ball.

so, in march, we scheduled a gender reveal ultrasound, and almost immediately, without the tech saying anything, i knew. one swipe on the ultrasound wand, i glanced non-girl parts. my husband might have saw the flicker in my eye because he then asked the tech if she knew the sex yet. she said she was trying to get a good picture and within seconds, it was confirmed. boy.

my heart jumped. planning-down the drain. now a whole new set of "what ifs" came about. more planning. lots more planning.

and then i stopped and took a breath. i looked at my husband. he was beaming. he was getting a son. his own mini me. i looked at Lily who was wiggling in the back seat of the tahoe. she was ecstatic. she was getting a brother.

screw planning. we've just been blessed in a crazy awesome way.

gender disappointment? i've read about it. i've watched as well wishers basically encouraged it (i've experienced it when we were having Amelia--people would ask- and we would say girl--and they would say..aww...well, are you going to try again?) ...but then those same folks--if an expectant mom would emote that she did feel a little let down at finding out the sex, it was an immediate shunning. well, healthy is what matters. you should be grateful. it's baffling to me that people who are NOT directly involved in your family can affect your emotions so much.

i feel for women who've truly experienced gender disappointment. how hard it must be to deal with your feelings (which is nearly impossible to explain-yes you are happy and grateful, but there's also a worry...a feeling of wondering if you'll ever have a baby boy/girl), the immediate guilt, AND the judgement of strangers who all feel the need to give you their opinion without so much as batting an eye at your feelings.

as someone who is pregnant, you're already dealing with TONS. no way should you have to deal with this crazy reverse ninja psychology.

so i still see hints of it with "well wishers" with us. someone asks what we are having and we say boy. i hesitate. it's taking me a while to get used to not refering to the baby as a she. so then i see a questioning in their eyes. arent you happy? of course i am! i'm still struggling with saying "boy". it's taking me a while! give me a break!

when i sit at home and Amelia is napping, i feel *him* move. i think ahead to his future (always lightly planning). i think about highschool and sports. (it seems different with a boy) going to ball games. what position will he play? will he love football? will we hear his name on the loudspeaker? i think about raising him to be a good man. one who treats women with respect, opening doors, lending jackets, saying mam and sir. i think of him with his sisters and the relationship i hope to nurture. my heart swells.

so when you see me sitting quietly, looking pensive and maybe a bit worried; know this: it isnt disappointment. it's planning. we have so much pink! i'm planning for baby buys, how many more cloth diapers i might need, so.. however small...i enjoy planning.

we recently had another ultrasound. Dr Lepi let us see *him* in 4d pictures. we saw *his* face. i'm in love all over again. i've never been more excited. a son. we're having a son! we cannot wait to meet him.

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