Friday, December 14, 2012

do you ever second guess your prayers?

Have you ever prayed for something and then instantly began worrying about how God might answer that prayer?
We all know God rarely answers prayers with direct responses (I.e praying for patience doesn't mean you wake up one day suddenly with a zen mind; nooo, God will give you "opportunities" to be more patient.)
So when I began praying for better money handling skills, I didn't expect to be blessed with instant knowledge...and while i was nervous about the answer i definitely did not expect the response I received.

For some time, Arnie and I had been praying about life changes and waiting as patiently as we could for answers. (While I also prayed for money management)
Then, one day, all the responses came in one phone call.
We had two weeks and Arnie would be starting his new job in a different state and we would be moving much closer to our families.
The kicker? Packing and moving with 3 kids, 2 of which are under the age of 2. The bigger kicker? Arnie would not receive his first paycheck until mid December (his first day on the new job was November 17th)
This meant an entire month with NO income. None. Zilch. And we had 2 weeks notice for this...and add into that travel and moving expenses...on top of your every day stuff.
Now, most people have an emergency fund for situations similar to these. Ours, however, was depleted thoroughly in late June, early July when the derecho hit and knocked out the power for 7 days. We had to buy disposable diapers (hand washing diapers took a lot of time and patience) and eat out a ton (ugh!) due to losing our well stocked fridge and deep freeze. and gas alone (getting to and from places) was killing us.
So, here we were- all those prayers we had prayed answered in one swoop and I was nervous. Scratch that, I was terrified.
No income for a month AND literally on the heals of Christmas? A holiday that we don't shop for until the weekend before the holiday?!!
Somewhere inside of me a quiet voice said He will provide. But my shouts nearly drowned that out. What about this? What about that? What are we going to do?? How will we survive?

well, today is finally Arnie's first pay check after a month of being super creative and diligent about where any money went. i learned a lot this month, about our spending habits, about necessities, and about what really matters.
i didn't come out of this month a money guru, but i did learn a lot and, again, a prayer was answered.
nothing has made me more humble than not having a paycheck to look forward to for 30+ days.
this Christmas will not be full of gifts (sorry to those we normally buy for), but of smaller things and focused much more on the real meaning of this holiday. 
it's strange because I've caught myself a few times feeling not really into the Christmas spirit. blame it on the warmer weather, blame it on the move..but i blame it on myself. i get so into buying things, wrapping things, and giving gifts and this year, obviously, we're not....
like i said, it is humbling on a different level and it also forces you to stop looking at the commercial and start focusing on why Christmas is here to begin with.
it's not been an easy road, this month...but there's half the month left to make it work...and to see the positives.
it always make me nervous to pray for the big things because you never know how God will answer. i always take refuge in the Bible...because the "big" guys seemed to feel the same way. Jonah ran when God called him. Moses stuttered, but became a great speaker and leader. but they all worked toward the glory of God. i am small, but i know i have a purpose, and everything goes towards shaping me into a better person, the person God made me to be.
one of my favorite sayings is this:
God doesn't always show up when we want Him to, but he is always on time.

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