playing ball, God, and where the two shall meet

if you dont know me really well, then you probably dont know my love of sports, specifically, being involved, and especially playing sports. i've played softball since i was 4...standing far out in left field, an oversized glove on my hand, shagging flies for my brother- who could knock the cover off a ball.
from a very early age, my parents taught us the discipline of practice. spending warm days on ball fields taking batting practice, learning the fundamentals of pitching, fielding a ball, and making good throws. saturdays in the batting cages, learning bat speed and placement of a ball.
i know when i was there, there were days that i hated softball and wished i wasnt a "ball player" but now, i look back on every memory with warmness and fondness, and a wish that i could play back a full day of ball in my mind.
some people have a natural born ability to play ball. it takes little to get the fundamentals down, they do all aspects of ball with ease and smoothness that is usually envied. my brother and i are both natural born players. we never knew the struggle of not being able to make contact with a ball. we never felt the frustration of not knowing how to catch.
but still, we practiced at every opportunity...improving our skills. learning respect for the field...and always knowing that if you took your eyes off that ball, there was a good chance of getting burned.

i'm older now. ball still comes very naturally to me. there's nothing i love more than getting the opportunity to play in the sun, but it's not my life anymore. there are other priorities, other demands. but ball left me with one very, very important life lesson that i have never forgotten.

last Sunday, pastor Brian's sermon was about worry. something that eats at me a lot, especially right now, at this phase in my life. preterm labor is a very scary thing, especially when certain odds are stacked against you. but hearing that sermon, as if it were meant to be, gave me great comfort...and put me on the right track for stomping out my worry. it took me right back to my childhood and my days of practicing softball.

you see, when we messed up on the field, whether it was practice or a game, there were consequences. did you get an injury? clean it, bandage it, take care of it, but do not quit, do not give up. you'll only regret it.
did you pitch a bad game? you better believe you're going to spend an evening pitching into a tire or a bucket until you improve. didnt hit well? it's batting practice for you until hitting improves. there are always ways to improve where you're struggling.

it was like a light bulb finally went off in my head. i had been misunderstanding something for a very long while. you dont just "stop worrying". you dont just stop everything and "put it in God's hands". (these comments have always baffled me. we're human and worry seems to be a natural reaction. how in the world do you just.."stop"??!) ..you can do something to improve your situation.

so just as my brother and i did in ball, i dug in, and i have started 'practicing'. i look at what i'm worrying about. i ask myself, have i done *everything* i can possibly do to keep myself from the worst case scenario? if i havent, then that is my first step that day. if i have done everything i can personally do, then i take my practice somewhere else. to God. to prayer. to memory verses.

about worry
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"
Matthew 6:25-27 New International Version

"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble."
Psalm 46:1

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth."
Psalm 121:1-2 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take."
Proverbs 3:5-6

and i turn to memory verses on HOPE

"He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,
miracles that cannot be counted."
Job 5:9

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:6

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"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

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"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:27

You must understand that while i was given a natural born ability to play ball, i've never been great at being a 'good' follower of God. i worry a lot...which is sort of like a big slap in God's face. Faith is the heart beat of being following God. you have to learn to trust God through every piece of your life.

so knowing my struggles, i have used what my parents and coaches have taught me, and began to practice and ask for help....because how else will i improve? i know i cannot accomplish this on my own.

ball taught me so very much...and it easily transitions into becoming a better follower of God:

i must learn to *never* take my eyes off Him...for when i do, things fall apart, and i'm likely to get hurt....but even if get hurt, i shouldnt quit..i should never give up.(He didnt fail me, i did, i took my eyes off of Him) ..so when it happens, i need to turn back to the bible and prayer and practice.

and sometimes, no matter how hard you pray, no matter how well you've handled a situation, you can still fail...but that's okay. (you cant win them all..) you pick yourself up, and you learn from your loss. you become a better person because of your trials.

some may look at ball as something silly, even a waste of time...something that just passes the summer time as a child...but for me (and surely for my brother) we were given life lessons. something that has stayed with us, years after our glory days have passed.

i look back in wonder at my childhood. i had no idea what was being ingrained in me. it is amazing to see (in hindsight) God's plan rolling out your life and how He was forming you into the person He wanted you to become.

i am forever grateful for what i learned during my years in the dirt and with sun on my skin. it makes me excited to look at my children and know that these years, these summers in the sun, will not be just a time to pass...but life lessons building their hearts and minds into something much greater than we could ever hope for.

Jeremiah 29:11-14

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴

Psalm 139:13-16:

For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I

praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

what.are.you.having./gender.disappointment.

when that moment comes when you are finally visably pregnant, one of the first things out of many well wishers' mouthes is the question: what are you having? do you know what you're having? etc..

is it lack of other things to say? i mean, other than the obligatory congratulations, 'are you done after this one?', and the ever popular 'how are you feeling?'....there isnt very much else to really say.

the problem with this is that it creates so many mixed feelings. as a mom of 2, plus 1 angel baby, i'm already nervous enough. i'm a planner, which i am positive makes God laugh every day...but i cant really conquer that yet. i must plan. i must make plans.

so when in mid december, i jokingly took a pregnancy test, and only half glanced down, to shockingly find a positive result...my heart beat has never quite been the same.

secretly, i've always wanted a large family. yes, i know, society has this ENORMOUS tendency to judge that statement. people actually feel HATE towards big families like the Duggars. that's just scary to me. why is there so much judgement in the world over things that in NO WAY affect your life? we are far from rich. but we make concessions. we dont do "disposable". we save where ever we can. we freeze what we dont need right away. we stock pile certain necessities. and we are content. we are well fed. we go through hard times but it's never something that has affected the feelings or bellies of my family. i dont know God's plan for us, but i trust it, and our hearts are overflowing with love to give.

so from mid december on, i've been planning. i've had a serious case of the "what if's?"

my planning led to this reasoning: if we have another girl, we'll be in a fairly easy situation. we have TONS of pink clothes, pink toys, pink blankets, and dont get me started on hair bows. we are well supplied in pink baby stuff.

and for future thinking, this baby and Amelia would only be 1 year apart (if not less, given my preterm issues) which meant if they played ball, they would be on the same ball team--which meant Arnie and I could definitely manage summer ball)...and given the "what if" of the possibility of having another girl, being that close in age meant that ease would come with lots of things, not just summer ball.

so, in march, we scheduled a gender reveal ultrasound, and almost immediately, without the tech saying anything, i knew. one swipe on the ultrasound wand, i glanced non-girl parts. my husband might have saw the flicker in my eye because he then asked the tech if she knew the sex yet. she said she was trying to get a good picture and within seconds, it was confirmed. boy.

my heart jumped. planning-down the drain. now a whole new set of "what ifs" came about. more planning. lots more planning.

and then i stopped and took a breath. i looked at my husband. he was beaming. he was getting a son. his own mini me. i looked at Lily who was wiggling in the back seat of the tahoe. she was ecstatic. she was getting a brother.

screw planning. we've just been blessed in a crazy awesome way.

gender disappointment? i've read about it. i've watched as well wishers basically encouraged it (i've experienced it when we were having Amelia--people would ask- and we would say girl--and they would say..aww...well, are you going to try again?) ...but then those same folks--if an expectant mom would emote that she did feel a little let down at finding out the sex, it was an immediate shunning. well, healthy is what matters. you should be grateful. it's baffling to me that people who are NOT directly involved in your family can affect your emotions so much.

i feel for women who've truly experienced gender disappointment. how hard it must be to deal with your feelings (which is nearly impossible to explain-yes you are happy and grateful, but there's also a worry...a feeling of wondering if you'll ever have a baby boy/girl), the immediate guilt, AND the judgement of strangers who all feel the need to give you their opinion without so much as batting an eye at your feelings.

as someone who is pregnant, you're already dealing with TONS. no way should you have to deal with this crazy reverse ninja psychology.

so i still see hints of it with "well wishers" with us. someone asks what we are having and we say boy. i hesitate. it's taking me a while to get used to not refering to the baby as a she. so then i see a questioning in their eyes. arent you happy? of course i am! i'm still struggling with saying "boy". it's taking me a while! give me a break!

when i sit at home and Amelia is napping, i feel *him* move. i think ahead to his future (always lightly planning). i think about highschool and sports. (it seems different with a boy) going to ball games. what position will he play? will he love football? will we hear his name on the loudspeaker? i think about raising him to be a good man. one who treats women with respect, opening doors, lending jackets, saying mam and sir. i think of him with his sisters and the relationship i hope to nurture. my heart swells.

so when you see me sitting quietly, looking pensive and maybe a bit worried; know this: it isnt disappointment. it's planning. we have so much pink! i'm planning for baby buys, how many more cloth diapers i might need, so.. however small...i enjoy planning.

we recently had another ultrasound. Dr Lepi let us see *him* in 4d pictures. we saw *his* face. i'm in love all over again. i've never been more excited. a son. we're having a son! we cannot wait to meet him.

black sheep

i am, self-admittedly, not a people person. i'm not a social girl. i'm not chatty cathy. i have an odd, ironic, and sarcastic sense of humor..that i'm sure can come off as rude...but i'm always careful (or i try to be) of other's feelings...and when i step on someone's feelings, it sends me reeling. i'm lost, embarassed, and heart broken that i've somehow hurt someone's feelings by stating my opinion. i rarely find the courage to say i'm sorry...which is bad.

but sometimes too, i feel like i can state my opinion on something, and it gets blown out of proportion. --i just want to say, "hey, this is what i said, it's my opinion, it was not, nor was it ever an attack on you. there is no need to hold a silent grudge!"

i have a sharp tongue. i'm trying very hard to control that and keep my mouth in check. i know i am doing better. but there is always room for improvement.

i have always, always felt like the black sheep of society. no matter where i've been, what's going on, i'm always on the edge of things. i dont see the need to be the center of anything and in the end, i end up sort of being left out- either by my own doing, or by just being left out and or unnoticed.

arnie is a social person. it makes me nervous, much more so when we first together, but i've gotten better, but i still have my moments where i instinctively want to grab his arm and yank him away from large groups of people. who in the world has THAT much to talk about?

i thought he would help me step out of my comfort zone...but instead, i seem to have dragged him into my world of edging the parties, not much to say, and avoiding the group.

i'm not stuck up...it's laughable to think i would think i'm better than anyone. i was not raised that way. i just dont socialize well.

i'm a homebody. i've read about moms who "need" me time. who need a girls' night. who have to get away from kid talk. ...that's not me. it actually stresses me out. i often joked in college, especially in psychology classes, about prison life being perfect for me: minimal human interaction, routine, and a little exercise. it doesnt bother me. solitary confinement (before i had the girls) doesnt even remotely scare me. it doesnt bother me to be alone and silent for hours or days. its comforting for me.

if i'm at home, just me and Amelia, i can "live dangerously" and have the radio on. i sing and dance and make Amelia giggle...but when Arnie and Lily get home, if he attempts to switch the radio to on, i hit the wall. NO. no more noise. it's not music to my ears then...it's just: noise. distraction. stress. especially if he turns the radio on and then tries to carry on a conversation with me. my eyes nearly fall out of my head. weird things like that stress me out.

so, now that i've shared that with you...something as simple as mutliple noises going on at once being a stresser...you can imagine what being in a group of people can do to me. ahh. multiple conversations...trying to be polite and respond to the correct person with more than a one word answer? ack.
i am very much a girl in need of quiet time.

that being said though, i'm sure some of you are thinking "well, good luck with 3 kids. you think it's noisy now...just wait."

that doesnt bother me. it's my kids. it's almost soothing. that noise? i'm not worried about it.

so yes, arnie and i often refer to ourselves as the black sheep in many, many situations. i often refer to it as the seperation of the classes...at which Arnie laughs. i'm used to it. i've seen it a lot. i know where and what i come from. we dont discuss whether Lily is going to get an iPad (she wont. to me, that is silly. if she wants something to do, i have books galore and a big yard to play in) we dont talk about remodeling (we make "improvements", but a full over-haul is beyond...well just beyond us) we never consider buying a vehicle (our tahoe is paid off--which is a HUGE accomplishment for us, and arnie has a 1991 ranger that we're hoping we can pay for the repairs needed in order to get it running again)

sometime, when you're around us, ask either one of us how old the glove is that we use for softball. arnie's, of course, beats mine by a few years (mine was a hand me down from my brother- and i've used it since tball)...the point is they both have many miles on them..and we take a little bit of pride in that. we talk to lily about this sort of thing and try to instill in her a sense to take care of things and make them last. not only is it frugal...but it gives everything a back story. makes things more interesting.

arnie's truck is a 91. that's the year he graduated high school. i was 9 years old the year that truck hit the road, and while i sometimes say i hate it, that truck has been wonderful and faithful to us and has only had minor issues and for that we are thankful.
now, there is absolutely *nothing* wrong with doing any of those things...remodeling, buying your kids an ipad, getting a new vehicle.. nothing!!! this is not an attack on anyone, and this is most certainly not an "i'm better than you" blog.
this stuff is just not "us". we dont relate to it...so we dont have anything to say about it. we cant sympathize or empathize. we just kind of awkwardly shrug our shoulders and hope for a conversation change.

i'm often made fun of, because i'm a hoarder of certain things. i go into "the great depression" mode. i save. i save, preserve, and i pack away. what was once wasteful is wasteful no more. we use, reuse, and use again until it falls apart (unless of course reuse=unsanitary. health is never sacraficed)
yes, i know most of this is our own doing, we try, but thanks to my awkwardness, neither one of us is one hundred percent sure what to do in many areas. so if you see us, skirting the edges, dont make the assumption we're snooty. haha..we are so very far from snooty. we're just a little weird...and defintely socially awkward--more so me, than arnie. i tend to drag him down the social ladder. :)

i dont worry too much, though. i know i'll always be worse than anyone else in the family. arnie will never be anywhere near my antisocial level and lily, well, lily is a social butterfly, whom we cannot get to stop talking.

i just wanted to make a statement and kind of..well..explain ourselves because i know when you dont jump right in and join a conversation, it can and will be taken the wrong way and we didnt want that to happen. we just tend to favor the less is more category.

climbing onto my soapbox today.

i read a lot and i hear a lot of people who say things like they hate the world today and they hate the fact that theyre a human (because we're such a terrible species), etc.

it really just irks me. you shouldnt hate anyone, no matter who they are or what they've done. you shouldnt judge them, no matter what the jury or the peanut gallery has to say. it's not your place. and this earth is where God wants you right now. it's a gift...(and man i'd hate to be someone who has to get you a gift..i can only imagine what you say about material things when you complain about the land you live on/in and the species that you are)

your life...your own life is a personal gift from God himself. he personally planned out every day you would have. he knows the hairs on your head, every wrinkle when you smile, he knows every secret you keep. he is aware of every flaw you have, every bad thought that occurs...and you know what? He loves you anyways. He loves you so much that he has a place reserved just for you. His heart breaks when you use His name in vain, he doesnt like to see you in sorrow. He mourns for you as no other could because He made you because He wanted to. He thought you up from nothing and sculpted you with loving hands and a heart so forgiving that it cannot be described with words. He rejoices when you smile and probably (at least in my mind) does a happy dance when you thank Him for anything..like..another day on earth.

i, like so many others, often forget to turn to Him when things are going smoothly, but turn to Him often in times of need. i'm getting better and i guess i should thank the constant haters of everything that i started off writing about because those people are making me a little better at remembering to thank God for another day on this planet. the gift of another day with my family. for dirty dishes, unfolded laundry, and the ever growing grass that needs mowed...because these things mean i am rich in comparison to many.

my life is not easy. it never has been. but i choose to look at everything as a whole instead of bits and pieces. because if i lumped all the bad things..all the heart break...everything that hurt me into one big pile and started sifting through it, i would be a bitter bitter soul.

so i look at everything and i see the BIG picture. the one that made me who i am today...and into the person i am still becoming. being someone who follows God does NOT guarantee a life on easy street. in fact, things sometime become tougher...but in the long run..in the big picture, you can look back and feel your heart warm...and glow with love because you can see why you went through the bad.

i am thankful for my daughters, for my husband, and for the life growing inside me because these are all hand wrapped gifts, personalized just for me. i get a little miffed when someone asks, "are you done after this one?" (meaning this baby) because it's not my plan. it's God's. ask Him. i mean it. really. talk to God. the world would be a better place if more people did...and if the conversation starts because of me...that's okay. it's not really important what you start talking about just that you start talking.

and for those who say people cant be changed...that the world may never get better. ...maybe it wont. but maybe it will. it's up to God. and us, of course. God is way bigger than the problems this world has in it. miracles happen every day. every single day...and if you dont believe that, maybe you should shut your mouth for a day and just look around you. stop complaining and listen...and look. you need look no further than a mirror. you are a miracle. but there's so much more. just take a moment and breathe and be thankful.

formula feeding and my thoughts.

**warning- there will be some "tmi" moments in this blog. prepare yourself for them, or leave now. you've been warned**



so, i've recently been bombarded with a gaggle of articles more or less condemning formula feeding. it really just ticks me off. i do not dispute the "breast is best" concept at all, HOWEVER, i do not believe that every article about such topics should make mothers like myself feel like dirt.
some moms, no matter how much they want to, are unable to breastfeed or are unable to breastfeed as long as they want to. which was my case both times. so when i see an article that mentions formula, i want to read it...and then immediately following that, disappointment, guilt, and just bad feelings.

i think there needs to be more support, emotionally, especially, for moms who are pushed into formula feeding. when looking for positivity in formula feeding, i find very little. i find more of the scary articles that list obesity, frequent sickness, and just over all poor health of those children who are formula fed.

it's weird too, i was formula fed. i'm not obese (never have been) have never had a weight problem (maybe a little under, but i have a high metabolism), and over all, i'm a pretty healthy chick. the problems i have encountered are more of those that are caused by outside circumstances. i've never once had the question posed by a doctor, "well, were you formula fed?"...as if that was the root of my problem.

now, again, i want to reiterate that i believe with all my heart that if you can, then you should, breast feed. but let me share with you my story:

i had Lily when i was 20, and while i thought i knew what i was getting into, i was sorely mistaken. i had these magical images in my head of how awesome it would be to breastfeed Lily (i know i've mentioned this before). i had NO idea the pain involved. i was completely unaware that it takes up to 3 days for your milk to "come in". i didnt realize that you must be relaxed to have a "let down"...add to that the stress of needing some alone time and sort of being bombarded with guilt of allowing friends and family to meet Lily. i was way to stressed! she was my first baby! i was clueless. i was also extremely poorly educated on breastfeeding. after 6 weeks, through tears and tons of guilt, i gave up and formula fed. within a week, i'd never been happier and miraculously, Lily's fussiness was at an all time low. even now, typing this, i feel the sting of guilt.

but i look at Lily and she's 7 and healthy. no serious illnesses, not overweight (which is a claim against formula), and happy and active...and i try to let go of the guilt. the problems she has (hearing loss) has been deemed congenital and possibly hereditary and in no way related to formula.

last year, i gave birth to Amelia. the birth itself was easy. one push. but then my trouble started. my placenta wasnt budging...and i was bleeding. i felt sick, dizzy, and really weak...and i heard the mention of blood transfusion and suddenly my heart was in my throat. then a nurse was at my side with smelling salts and a syringe of something that she said would help stop my bleeding...and just as quickly as it started, it was over and i was fine.

little did i know, blood loss can affect your milk supply. and while this time around, i was better read, and a little more educated, i was again, shocked and disheartened by my experience. i needed to heal and i guess "recharge" from what had just happened, but i also knew that breastfeeding immediately was the right thing to do for myself and Amelia...so i was trying. and i continued to try. i cried a lot.

but i wasnt giving up. i had a lactation consultant round the clock that was at my beckon call. i was asking questions, taking notes, and reading their pamphlets. i took their suggestions and their encouragement. i stayed as positive as i could. day three rolled around and there was barely anything. i didnt give up. i went through a lot with Amelia. i continued to follow up with my lactation consultant. i went through WIC and borrowed a hospital grade electric double pump. i did power pumping (look it up. it's insane. i opted to pump through the night also.. and i was already exhausted)

i stressed a ton. i wanted to keep a strict schedule for pumping and feeding to keep my dwindling milk supply from slipping by the wayside, but we also wanted friends and family to see her...i however am modest and not big on public or semi public breastfeeding...so i stressed some more.

oh and WIC...they're supposed to be supportive and while some were, others were just down right mean. i HAD to supplement with Amelia, i simply didnt have enough to sustain her. and when i asked to change my order from exclusively breastfeeding to a mix of both breastfeeding and formula feeding, the girl i was speaking to resonded to me in a very flat, somewhat disgusted voice, "so you're giving up then." i honestly wanted to punch her in the face. she had no idea what i had gone through. NONE.

i talked and talked and talked to the consultant (also through WIC, and she was very supportive). the next option was to go to supplements. NOT something i was willing to do. so after 10 weeks of an insane schedule of feeding AND pumping, i tearfully let go and switched to formula. i was never engorged when i quit. that's how low my supply remained.


so, you see, i get notably angry when i read about the terrors of formula. the bad health affects it has on children today. i get really upset when i read those comments from moms that list off how they are "EBF" (exclusively breastfeeding) for X amount of months now. and i shouldnt but it ticks me off. i know i have a chip on my shoulder about it, but it's like a slap in the face. it's like bragging because you're tall. some people get it. some people dont. i havent yet. but i'm not giving up.

cain arnold dugan is due august 30th and i plan on trying again. but this time, no matter what happens, i will not guilt trip myself if breastfeeding doesnt work out. i cant keep beating myself up over it...and i hope more mothers realize this. it's not fair to mentally beat yourself up when you're already going to be a whirlwind of emotions and hormones. bottom line is love yourself and love your baby and do what's best for both of you. :)

what i wish i wouldve known the FIRST time i was pregnant.

when you find yourself expecting (for the first time, or any after that for that matter) it is a magical, wonderful time.
...it also a time in your life when you will receive the most unsolicited advice EVER. you will also be privy to the most scary horror stories your ears have ever encountered.
and while some advice is great, some is ridiculous and the horror stories? come on! who wants to be told terrible things when they are creating something absolutely miraculous?!

what i wish i would've been told when i was expecting that first time are these things: (feel free to add to this, as i'm sure i will, i'm expecting #3 in august and i know i will learn more this time around)

*there are NO stupid questions. ask your doctor EVERYTHING you want to know. while some things are safe, not everything is. and you know that unsolicited advice? well, you'll get tons of crazy tips, advice and warnings. TONS.
i was told early on to NEVER put my hands above my head as it would cause the umbilical cord to rap around the baby's neck, causing strangulation. THAT is malarky...but i was young, impressionable, and worried i was going to kill my baby by hanging up my coat.

*morning sickness doesnt always hit every pregnant lady. neither does every other tell-tale symptom. it does not/should not raise any red flags. so unless your doctor is concerned...ignore all the crazy people who say "oh, your boobs arent sore? MINE were sore every time...are you sure youre pregnant?" feel free to poke those folks in the eyeballs.

*you are a mommy from conception- forward. dont let anyone tell you otherwise. i was told i couldnt participate in some specific "mother" games/events because i wasnt "technically" a mother yet. it broke my heart. i had heard the heart beat. i had seen the baby move. i had given her a name.  i sang to her. i talked to her. i felt her move daily...but i wasnt a mother?? craziness! i was too timid to argue. dont be. i regret that i didnt fight back. i was 5 months pregnant and very much in mommy mode.

*feel free to stop the horror stories.
when someone starts telling you some terrible pregnancy horror story, feel free to stop them...or walk away. you are in NO WAY obligated to listen to some bloody gory story. i've no idea why, but when you become pregnant, people all the sudden feel comfortable telling you really terrible things. most of them will keep you up at night worrying like crazy. walk away. not every pregnancy is bad, not every labor is 72 hours. you do not have to listen to that crap.
-me, for instance...my labor was easy peasy. especially Amelia. i pushed once. i've been told before (when ladies are sitting around trading their labor stories) that mine didnt count because it was "too easy". dont hate. just because i dont have a bloody war story of labor doesnt mean mine doesnt count. i enjoy telling people my labor story because it's NOT SCARY. pregnant women have enough to worry about, stop scaring us. meanies.

*prepare early on. 2nd trimester is a great time to start, unless you are blessed and have no morning sickness. i waited till the very last minute for everything with my first born...and it was TERRIBLE!! people kept telling me..."well, something might happen...and you could lose the baby...i'd wait before i'd prepare for the baby." i was cursing those people during the first months of Lily's life. i couldnt find ANYTHING. nothing was unpacked, the nursery wasnt ready...and bottles...what bottles?? i was LOST! and listen, YES, there is *always* the possibility of something happening but the fact of the matter is, the first time you see that little heart beating, anywhere from about 6 weeks on...your risk of miscarriage goes down to about 5%. and not to be a fatalist but something could ALWAYS happen...whenever...that doesnt stop us from decorating rooms, buying toys (for preparation for christmas, birthdays, etc)

*you cant tell people youre expecting till the second trimester. also a bunch of crap. see above for reasons...but i'll add this: i've suffered a miscarriage at 8 weeks, 4 days, and let me tell you, it was easier and more comforting to have everyone there, praying for me and giving me support, instead of quietly suffering through my loss alone with my husband. ultimately, this should be YOUR decision. no one else's. you do what you are comfortable with.

*birth plans.
these "plans" make me laugh. now, dont get me wrong, some women swear by them, love them, save them, etc.
me? yeah..not so much. my plan? PAIN FREE. close family/friends can be present. everything is put in God's hands. i do what the doctor says is best. if he says c section, i will be nervous, but i trust my doctor's judgment. i will NOT stomp my feet and cry because my "plan" wasnt followed to a T.
the idea of music playing, quietness...etc make me roll my eyes. again, some ladies do this crap and have great success. i could care less. birth is not play by play planning. it is different every time and no one but God knows how it's going to play out...and chances are that music you choose...when those contractions start rolling in, you'll be singing a different tune, as in shut that crap noise off. (plus i really enjoying hearing my baby's heart beat and knowing she was doing fine throughout my labor. music wouldve ruined that for me.)

*no epidural = i'm a beter woman than you.
BIG FAT NO. pain management is everyone's personal choice. if you choose to "feel everything" then go you. i've watched too many birthing shows with "better than thou" women preaching the drug free way and then labor comes and they're crying and begging for drugs. again, you have no clue how your labor is going to go. stop trying to plan every little detail.
i prefer to feel a *little* and be relaxed enough to dilate on my own (with no pitocin drip) and let labor go however. why put yourself through insane amounts of pain that (oh yes you will remember later). i very vividly remember the pain i felt with Lily, after the epidural wore off. i was ready to kill someone. i never want to feel that again. so just remember, pain management is YOUR choice. it makes you no better or worse as a mom. i'm tense person. pain management works well for me for labor.

*breast feeding.
i highly highly recommend giving this a shot. i had these magical images in my head of breast feeding my daughter  (cue the rainbows and unicorns) and no one told me otherwise. people would ask if i was going to, i would say yes, and i would get the commendable back pat for being such an awesome mom.
*nobody* told me how bad it would hurt!!! also, equally important, *nobody* told me that if i stuck with it, at about the 2 month mark, a routine is established, and the pain you endured is nearly completely gone. also, around this time, you can start pumping (not before- you want to get a good established milk supply) and saving up and letting dad or siblings bottle feed- if you so choose. 
you need a great support system. you need help...and you sort of need to throw modesty out the window for a little while. "let down" is important and it doesnt happen if you're uptight and nervous. you have to be relaxed.
it is great, wonderful, and awesome for baby (and you). give it a shot. try to stick with it...but if, for whatever reason, it doesnt work. DO NOT guilt trip yourself for not sticking with it. you're dealing with enough. hormonally, you have been through the gamut. dont add anything else to your plate. give yourself permission to quit and let it go. *any* breast milk your baby gets is better than none.

*dont give the baby a pacifier, it will cause nipple confusion!
okay, so i dont know if we're just insanely blessed as parents or what, but my two girls have NEVER had nipple confusion. we've breastfed, bottle fed, gave them crazy amounts of different pacifiers and bottles for that matter...and never had one single issue. in fact, it seems to help around here to change things up occassionally. lily gave up her "binkie" without so much as a fuss. and amelia has already started sippy cup training. dont scare yourself into not giving your child a soother. babies need to suck, so unless youre willing to let your boob become a pacifier, buy some binkies.

*do not be afraid of your baby
they are remarkably made. dont be afraid to change your baby, give your baby a bath, or anything else. enjoy this time. it passes quickly. i do offer this advice: get a baby tub. everyone told me the sink was fine, but i was a terrified parent, afraid to touch my baby, let alone put her in a hard sink. that little baby tub gave me peace of mind. if you need it, get one. amelia (baby #2) is almost 7 months and we still occassionally use it.


*do what your doctor/pediatrician says
you will get more insane advice once the baby is born. like this: put cereal in the baby's bottle. it will help them sleep through the night. NO NO NO. not healthy. not right. ask your dr. do what they tell you to do.
and you are BOUND to hear this one. "are they sleeping through the night? no? oh...they must have their days and nights mixed up."
actually NO. every baby seems more wakeful when it's dark out. know why? your baby just spend NINE months in pretty much full on darkness. from about week 25 or later on...their eyes opened. they still only saw mostly darkness. it takes babies a while to adjust to the light of day. in the meantime, when the lights go out, watch your little one's bright eyes open up. yes, you will be insanely tired...but during this period seeing those baby eyes are rare...so *try* to enjoy it. eventually, they adjust and start sleeping more at night, it happens. just be patient.

*nothing. no amount of anything, can prepare you for how tired you are going to be during those first few months
you'll hear this a lot: "sleep when the baby sleeps" and it is true. it is the best advice you can take. please, please, try to do this. let chores go by the way side. when people come to visit and say "what can i do to help?" ask them to run a load of laundry. maybe scrub a plate or two. have no shame. YOU need your rest. please take help when it's offered. dont be proud...just say yes and thank you. those offering help will accept that thank you with a smile...most of them have been in your shoes.

*prepare, prepare, prepare.
have a deep freeze? USE it. when you're still preggo and feeling good, cook up some easy meals and freeze them. date them and place them in the deep freeze. buy paper plates, utensils, and cups. then when the baby comes and you can bare to eat another take out meal, a friend or your husband can pop that frozen meal in the oven, and *presto!* you're feeling like june cleaver, knowing you cooked this meal and have a baby in your lap. those meals are life savers...and so are the disposable tableware. USE IT!!

*communicate
talk to your spouse. tell them how you're feeling. do not assume for one minute they know what youre going through. they dont. theyre clueless and needing a lifeline...so toss them one. are you feeling insane? overwhelmed? exhausted? tell him that! they are perfectly capable of handling their baby. take a shower. take a walk (if you feel like it) do what you need to do. just talk to your husband about how youre feeling. they need to know. and remember this now and forever: they cannot, nor have they ever, been able to read your mind. you must tell them things.
on the same note, just because they're doing something differently with the baby, does not mean they are doing it wrong. *try* not to criticize. they're just as new to this as you are and they need confidence boosters too. unless they are putting the baby in harms way, bite your tongue and watch...you could be surprised. you might just learn something.
-i did. my husband is a MASTER soother. me? i suck. even now, he can calm our girls down in a heart beat. from the get go, he was awesome at getting the water works to come to a screeching halt. learn to let go of the reins and let daddy come to the rescue. (and commend him for his efforts!! they need to know they are doing a good job- again- do not assume they know these things. share the love)

*learn to say no.

the first few weeks are critical...and special. if you dont feel like having company around, just let them know. dont feel obligated. most people understand. set up a date tentatively. if they've ever had a baby, they will know how you feel.
and again, some moms are completely up for early visits. just remember to pay attention to the time of the year (is it flu season?) and politely ask that folks wash their hands before handling your bundle of joy. you are allowed to be picky. it is YOUR baby..not theirs. and remember, if baby gets sick, you'll be pulling sick duty, not them...so be a hand wash nazi if you have to be. (and ask if anyone has recently been sick-if they have, ask them politely to stay away for a little while.

there's way more than this...but i'm hungry and it's time for some lunch around here. i'll add more later. until then, feel free to add your own :)

i was wrong

this morning, as i was standing in my kitchen, doing my God time, a thought hit me. i've been doing this wrong. i've been wrong all along.

and while i should have been sad and disheartened, i was actually kind of thrilled that i realized this. i've been wrong. (shocker, i know)


you see, i've been allowing "things" to define my life. and not only my life, but my self-esteem, my sense of well being, and who i am as a wife, a mother, and a friend.

i'll give you a perfect example. this morning, i was standing at the sink, making breakfast and doing last night's "too tired" dishes and silently congratulating myself. Amelia was taking her nap (right on time)the sun was shining outside, my kitchen was relatively clean, the laundry was being finished up in the dryer as i stood there, clothes were folded and obediently waiting to be put away. life, was in order. i felt like an excellent wife. a good mother.

and then i stopped myself.

three days ago, i was glued to the couch with a trash can between my legs- hoping i didnt throw up, yet again, holding an INSANELY fussy Amelia, who absolutely refused to take a nap ALL DAY, the dirty clothes were strung from here to there, the dishes hadnt been touched in two or three days and Lily was literally going straight down the gutter with behavior at school and (gasp!) at church!

three days ago, i sat on that couch- in tears. i was a failure as a wife (every one who gets morning sickness survives and works through it, YOU are no exception) i was a complete failure as a mom- Amelia wouldnt stop screaming no matter what i did, Lily's behavior seemed to be an instant reflection on how we've raised her. i'm a terrible friend (i never call my friends, ever.) Dinner was out of the question. i couldnt look at food, let alone prepare it for my family, who would soon be arriving home.

i have allowed all these moments to define me and my mood--good moments and bad...instead of seeing these moments for what they really are. Lessons and blessings.

today i realized that just because Amelia is fussy and doesnt take her naps doesnt make me any less of a good mom. Just because Lily is a challenge in public places- it doesnt define my task of being a parent. i allow people to push my feelings in one way or another. i see hesitation when another's child wants to play with Lily (is that worry that they'll pick up something bad/troubling from her?)
-if it is, so be it. i read something today about raising stubborn children that completely and totally lifted my spirits about her and her challenges. so if another parent is hesitant to have their child around mine, then i dont care. i'm letting them suck up all that worry and doubt. i will do it no longer.

i'm putting this in God's hands. i'm going to start teaching Lily that stubborness can be an absolute blessing when used in the right situations (helping those less fortunate, looking for those who were left out of the group---ideas i got from the article this morning)
i know that the change in her will be there, it will just take time and lots of patience. i will surround her with love and with friends and parents who know her for who her heart truly is and love her always.
i will look at the days when Amelia is beyond fussy with thankfulness. i have been blessed with her (and Lily) and i cant imagine life without them. i will put myself in the shoes of those who have lost a child. of those who struggle with infertility...and i will be HUMBLE and ever thankful for what God has given me.
i will stop beating myself up for not calling friends. my close friends know me and know my weirdness about phones and calling people. it doesnt make me less of a friend. it just makes me weird...and grateful that i have friends in my life that understand me and accept me for who i am.
i will embrace the days when i cant get off the couch because of morning sickness because i never saw myself being pregnant again. i will look at my baby's first picture and remember the sound of that *amazing* heart beat. i will be thankful that God has blessed our lives so abundantly that for that last few days, i find myself with tears in my eyes because i dont deserve this. i dont deserve any of this and yet i am blessed beyond my means, filled up, and overflowing.

how good is God that i am alive and life is growing inside me. how great is He, that i have this remarkably unique family that is strong in love and supportive no matter what.
i am grateful. i am thankful.
today is a great day, not because of the things that have happened, but because i've been blessed in more ways than i can see.
you know how when you're in an argument and the answer comes to light and it comes out that you were right all along and you just feel...vindicated??
well, today is a great day... because i was wrong. :)