this year has been difficult for my family. I struggle to type the word "difficult" because I know we've seen harder days but, as an accumulation, this year has seen its fair share of hurts.
i am constantly looking for the plus side. forcing myself to, as i know, just as well as you do, that things could be so much worse. i have much to be grateful for.
first you should know this: i HATE asking for help. it's ingrained in my system, i'd rather swallow hot coals than admit i cant do something on my own..
i had medical issues. i hate details...so without going into them, i had to have a minor surgery, i didn't follow all the orders to a "T" (it's hard to do that when you have 3 kids at home, one of which, at the time, was only 3 months old) and in turn i tore a muscle near my incision making my life a great deal more painful. in the end, everything healed, i have my health. i'm not perfect, no one is, but i'm healthier now for the entire ordeal I've gone through.
we took an enormous pay cut to move home. we basically cut out income in half. it was a shock to the system, one we still haven't worked all the kinks out of--but we're home. we're so much closer to family, we have a more complete support system...and have i mentioned how much i love my home town?
arnie took a job that he really wasn't "made" to do. being a corrections officer takes a certain type of person. not everyone can do this job and when you aren't really "made" to do it, it can most certainly add un-needed stress to an already stressed environment. ...but this job is the reason we were able to move home. were it not for fantastic family and friends putting in good words here and there, we wouldn't have been able to make this journey.
at the end of a year, we made the heart wrenching decision to really, really trust God.
Arnie lost his job. i wont go into details, it isn't my story to tell, but i will make this clear: we've no hard feelings, no bitterness, and no anger at all towards anyone or anything- in fact, we've nothing but gratitude. at the end of the day, being a corrections officer wasn't in arnie's heart and this lifted a great deal of stress out of our home.
and so, here we are, nearing the end of November and searching diligently for a job, throwing applications, resumes, and references at nearly anyone who looks our way..and i am, most certainly, a very impatient person. when i submit something, i expect it to be reviewed immediately...which i know is unrealistic. i cant help it, though- i want things to happen NOW. i have a need to know that my gut feeling that everything is going to be alright is, in fact, right. I've been fighting myself here recently with the "countdown" towards Christmas...which is what got this whole blog rolling. i needed to stop worrying myself into sickness. worrying gets you nowhere, and it surely must be a slap to God's face when you start worrying the way I've been going at it.
I've decided (slightly from of being thrust into this situation) that Christmas in our home will be handled quite differently this year. if you're accustomed to receiving gifts from us, it may be homemade this year. money being "tight" is more than an understatement...and i don't say this for pity- i say this because "struggling" seems to be a taboo subject. no one really wants to talk about nor possibly hear about struggling, but it's real- it happens more than you think--and to people you might least likely suspect. i'm writing this because even though i know this is a darker time in our lives, it could be so much worse and there are people out there who have it much worse than we do. we have much to be thankful for.
i want this Christmas to stick in our kids' minds so that later, when we are blessed with much, we will remember when we had very little ( material wise) but so much more spiritually...and what it felt like and how we might possibly minister to those who need more than we do. i want this Christmas to be more about the true reason for the holiday and less about deals from black Friday.
right now, there are families that don't have heat...that don't have a home...that are wondering where their next meal might come from. cliché or not, it is the truth. i struggled with writing this because i don't want this to be a pity party, i am so thankful for what we do have, but i also wanted to make a taboo subject maybe become a little less taboo.
we're going to spin this positively, and try (hopefully with success) to celebrate: a year without santa claus.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Saturday, August 31, 2013
What changes.
*It's the way a child grows your heart.
Whenever you grow, sometimes you grow too quickly, resulting in growing pains. You get those growing pains when you become a parent. Your heart aches with love for your little one. You will be overwhelmed with the feeling of love.
It's the increase in tear production. Who knew that when your little newborn infant involuntarily wraps his or her hand around your finger, it would cause your eyes to tear up? Or the first true smile, that knowing look of understanding- that makes all the crying, colic, and weeks without sleep so very worth it. Witnessing the firsts- first words (your name- mom or dad), first steps (toward you)...
*It's the increase in bravery. Hearing your name cried out in the middle of the night, running blindly to get to them, knowing you'd run through anything to reach them- feeling their tiny heart beat against your chest and wanting to take away whatever it was that scared them.
*It's the ability to become world's best and most strict safety inspector. Never in your life will you see more danger present in a playground than after you have a child. (And forget about jumping on the bed)
But the biggest change is the knowledge that those feelings, those changes- they never go away. if anything, they increase 10 fold as your child/children get older.
Heaven help us as parents. And God, show mercy on us.
This past week's events have made me all to aware of the fragility of life. And as so many have said; and it is proven over and over to us , we are not promised tomorrow. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do or say today.
I look at my kids napping and I try to imprint the memories of today into my mind: Cain's mischievous smiles- the way he's learning words and surprising me every day.
Amelia's sweetness and cleverness. Even at two, her big sister powers are stretching, and she shows such love towards her baby brother and big sister.
Lily's maturity, at 8, she sees certain things and knows when to step in and help out. I sometimes forget her age because she shows such maturity in helping out- instead of calling to me that someone needs changed, she does it herself. She fixes snacks, pours drinks, and fixes boo boos as needed.
I don't want to forget the little moments of today. I want to wrap them up and save them for forever.
So when you think about becoming a parent for the first time or anytime after, and someone chimes in as a debby-downer, remember these things.
In truth- everything changes when you become a parent, but a few things are left unspoken- things that seem like common sense but until you have experienced it, until you have felt it- they are just words on a screen.
You can have all the "things" in the world and still feel alone and unfulfilled; and you can be as poor as dirt and have the love of your child and know you are as rich as you will ever be.
Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate (Psalm 127:3-5)
Thursday, August 8, 2013
remember, we're not perfect.
when I was around 8 or 9, I went- at the urging of my friend, to vacation bible school. I don't remember everything about it. I don't remember the crafts, but I remember something that changed my outlook for while.
we were in a small classroom full of kids I knew by name, who unbeknownst to me, were regulars in attending church. I was not. this was my first time in vacation bible school; and other than opening up a bible and glancing through it (I was familiar with the story of Noah), I knew very little about church or the bible.
I didn't know you were supposed to bring your bible to vbs. I know, it seems like common sense, but I didn't know; and since I didn't bring my bible to the classroom, I was given a spare King James Version. (in my opinion, pretty difficult to read at kid level)
we were to go around the table, each of us reading a certain number of verses, and the next child was to pick up where the last one had left off.
the teacher called out the book and chapter. I didn't know any of the books. I looked around and everyone had found the spot. I gauged their bibles, and tried to open mine to about the same spot, hoping to help find the book. I went the wrong way. I was in a panic. I was typically a good student. here, I couldn't even find the right page.
I looked up for help. "where is the book?" I asked. "it's in the new testament," they all replied almost in unison. "right after romans," someone else replied. my head swirled. where was the new testament? where was romans? I felt sick. I wanted to run out and leave.
"if you haven't found it, we'll have to skip you," the teacher said in a voice that to me seemed disapproving.
"I haven't found it," I said, hearing my own voice shake.
I didn't earn any points that day. I hadn't brought my bible, I didn't read aloud. I couldn't come up with a song to sing. I didn't know the words to any of the songs they were singing.
I would come home from the morning spent there feeling like a disappointment. I didn't have fun. I had seen tabs on bibles before, the ones that tell you where the books of the bible are. I thought that would solve my problems, so I had asked about them in that small classroom. i was told that if I actually took the time to read the bible, I wouldn't need those silly tabs. I just thought it would help while i was learning. I didn't finish out that week of vbs and I didn't return that next summer.
I felt like a total outsider...and really, I was. and that's the persona I took on. an outsider.
I wonder how many other kids have gone to a function like that for the very first time and felt that way. what happened to me then-- now, it seems small, unimportant. but I wanted so much to fit in, to make new friends, to learn new things...and the whole thing just backfired horribly.
it made me afraid of church. I felt judged because I wasn't familiar with the bible, because I didn't know their songs, because I was laughed at for asking if they had the words so I could sing along.
later, whenever I was invited to a church, I refused to dress up; partly because at the time, I felt awkward in dresses, and partly because I didn't want to do anything to conform to "them". I would NOT be one of them.."them" who judged a young girl who was there on an invite and was in completely new territory and just didn't have a clue.
I was angry with any church that someone spoke about; surely, they too would've behaved the same way towards me. how dare they.
and that anger grew when my name mysteriously ended up on a church prayer list in a church I had no affiliation with...
and not because I was sick...I wasn't; but because of how I dressed, and the music I listened to. I was so angry and it basically confirmed for me what I had always thought: "they're all alike."
please don't look at this and be angry with these folks. I've gone down that road (see my high school years if you'd like to know why I dressed the way I did or was completely cynical about everything) and really, being angry- it does no good.
I can look back now and think, "good...I needed prayer then." but at the time, wow, I was mad. I was embarrassed. I didn't worship the devil, I was mad about everything. and as for vacation bible school, well, I just chalk it up to inexperience. whoever it was that was teaching, they clearly didn't know it would've helped to have helped me. they had no idea they were molding me into someone. lots of things happen in a person's life that changes who we are or how we react to things.
honestly, it's helped me.
if it weren't for a friend and her mother, I would've never set foot in that church for vacation bible school. if it weren't for a youth pastor and his wife (joy and aaron young- I hope some day to find out where they are now) I wouldn't have developed a thirst for knowledge about the bible- I loved their bible workbooks and after school meetings. if it wasn't for arnie and his mom's urging for us to find a church after we were married, I would've never been baptized, or met the most wonderful people who've become life long friends.
yes, some crappy things happened to me in church by people I perceived as Christians. i'm somewhat nervous about posting this, but I hope that anyone who reads this knows that I don't want to bad mouth anyone. I don't want to give anyone a bad name. they made some mistakes. but guess what: we all do. we can live with mistakes or we can move forward and grow from it. it took me a while, but eventually I let go and grew up.
having been in that position, it's made me a lot more aware of "new" people. I try to go out of my way to let them know they're welcome in any place i'm familiar with.
and I might add- the good far outweighs the bad i'm thankful for everything that's happened and i wouldn't change a thing. we'd all do well to remember that churches are made up of human beings. imperfect, sinning human beings. we need to remember that....and cut each other some slack.
:)
if I could give one piece of advice, it is this: please don't judge or write someone off because of how they dress, or how they look. don't ever write someone off, especially if you see that person in your church. show kindness. show God's love. let them hear "welcome, i'm glad you're here." instead of snickers and whispers. that small act could change that person's outlook on the day...on their week...on their life...and on God.
we were in a small classroom full of kids I knew by name, who unbeknownst to me, were regulars in attending church. I was not. this was my first time in vacation bible school; and other than opening up a bible and glancing through it (I was familiar with the story of Noah), I knew very little about church or the bible.
I didn't know you were supposed to bring your bible to vbs. I know, it seems like common sense, but I didn't know; and since I didn't bring my bible to the classroom, I was given a spare King James Version. (in my opinion, pretty difficult to read at kid level)
we were to go around the table, each of us reading a certain number of verses, and the next child was to pick up where the last one had left off.
the teacher called out the book and chapter. I didn't know any of the books. I looked around and everyone had found the spot. I gauged their bibles, and tried to open mine to about the same spot, hoping to help find the book. I went the wrong way. I was in a panic. I was typically a good student. here, I couldn't even find the right page.
I looked up for help. "where is the book?" I asked. "it's in the new testament," they all replied almost in unison. "right after romans," someone else replied. my head swirled. where was the new testament? where was romans? I felt sick. I wanted to run out and leave.
"if you haven't found it, we'll have to skip you," the teacher said in a voice that to me seemed disapproving.
"I haven't found it," I said, hearing my own voice shake.
I didn't earn any points that day. I hadn't brought my bible, I didn't read aloud. I couldn't come up with a song to sing. I didn't know the words to any of the songs they were singing.
I would come home from the morning spent there feeling like a disappointment. I didn't have fun. I had seen tabs on bibles before, the ones that tell you where the books of the bible are. I thought that would solve my problems, so I had asked about them in that small classroom. i was told that if I actually took the time to read the bible, I wouldn't need those silly tabs. I just thought it would help while i was learning. I didn't finish out that week of vbs and I didn't return that next summer.
I felt like a total outsider...and really, I was. and that's the persona I took on. an outsider.
I wonder how many other kids have gone to a function like that for the very first time and felt that way. what happened to me then-- now, it seems small, unimportant. but I wanted so much to fit in, to make new friends, to learn new things...and the whole thing just backfired horribly.
it made me afraid of church. I felt judged because I wasn't familiar with the bible, because I didn't know their songs, because I was laughed at for asking if they had the words so I could sing along.
later, whenever I was invited to a church, I refused to dress up; partly because at the time, I felt awkward in dresses, and partly because I didn't want to do anything to conform to "them". I would NOT be one of them.."them" who judged a young girl who was there on an invite and was in completely new territory and just didn't have a clue.
I was angry with any church that someone spoke about; surely, they too would've behaved the same way towards me. how dare they.
and that anger grew when my name mysteriously ended up on a church prayer list in a church I had no affiliation with...
and not because I was sick...I wasn't; but because of how I dressed, and the music I listened to. I was so angry and it basically confirmed for me what I had always thought: "they're all alike."
please don't look at this and be angry with these folks. I've gone down that road (see my high school years if you'd like to know why I dressed the way I did or was completely cynical about everything) and really, being angry- it does no good.
I can look back now and think, "good...I needed prayer then." but at the time, wow, I was mad. I was embarrassed. I didn't worship the devil, I was mad about everything. and as for vacation bible school, well, I just chalk it up to inexperience. whoever it was that was teaching, they clearly didn't know it would've helped to have helped me. they had no idea they were molding me into someone. lots of things happen in a person's life that changes who we are or how we react to things.
honestly, it's helped me.
if it weren't for a friend and her mother, I would've never set foot in that church for vacation bible school. if it weren't for a youth pastor and his wife (joy and aaron young- I hope some day to find out where they are now) I wouldn't have developed a thirst for knowledge about the bible- I loved their bible workbooks and after school meetings. if it wasn't for arnie and his mom's urging for us to find a church after we were married, I would've never been baptized, or met the most wonderful people who've become life long friends.
yes, some crappy things happened to me in church by people I perceived as Christians. i'm somewhat nervous about posting this, but I hope that anyone who reads this knows that I don't want to bad mouth anyone. I don't want to give anyone a bad name. they made some mistakes. but guess what: we all do. we can live with mistakes or we can move forward and grow from it. it took me a while, but eventually I let go and grew up.
having been in that position, it's made me a lot more aware of "new" people. I try to go out of my way to let them know they're welcome in any place i'm familiar with.
and I might add- the good far outweighs the bad i'm thankful for everything that's happened and i wouldn't change a thing. we'd all do well to remember that churches are made up of human beings. imperfect, sinning human beings. we need to remember that....and cut each other some slack.
:)
if I could give one piece of advice, it is this: please don't judge or write someone off because of how they dress, or how they look. don't ever write someone off, especially if you see that person in your church. show kindness. show God's love. let them hear "welcome, i'm glad you're here." instead of snickers and whispers. that small act could change that person's outlook on the day...on their week...on their life...and on God.
learning to loosen your grasp (review of TrueBeautyFilm: not of this world )
When asked to review a DVD, I was excited. It's a chance for me to write with purpose, and the fact that I was asked to come back and write for the same group I've previously written for again, it is truly an honor.
Then, I received the DVD. The day I picked it up, our family dog of 13 years passed away. I was shattered. I felt broken. I looked down at my table through tears and saw this DVD: Not of This World. I needed to watch it.
This DVD has been a blessing to me, everyone has something they can take away from watching it. It lifted me up and took away my lost feeling.
Lisa Chan brings you back to your "center". Through real world, real life experiences, Not of This World reminds us that our focus should be always on God and the eternal life He has prepared for us. These things, this place here- it's all temporary.
Through an analogy of camping (this temporary life we're living), we're shown how fun and how exhilarating camping can be. You see beauty and it can be a wonderful experience; but by the end, aren't we all ready to go home?
As Lisa so eloquently puts it, you feel dirty (sins of the world) and can't wait to get clean and put on fresh clothes (clothed in righteousness).
Not of This World uses beautiful imagery throughout, and really brings you back to focus on what matters: God.
I encourage you to watch this short, to the point film. I promise you'll bring something away from it.
Hear Carolyn and Shawn's story. How when you're forced to give up everything, the scripture really begins to light up- you begin to open your eyes and see God moving and making things happen- with God's will backing you all the way.
You become privy to a secret that shouldn't be a secret- all that we're given, everything we're blessed with- it isn't ours to keep. It's ours to share and bless others with.
Once you've experienced that type of kindness, a new chamber in your heart and soul open up, and you see, maybe for the first time, that we're not made for this world.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
our family dog has died
I sit here, without really knowing what to say. our dog, Cujo, of 12 years passed away this morning. he was our first "baby", being older than our first born by 3 years. he passed away alone, outside. my heart is exploding with pain.
I knew something was wrong. I felt it. I even thought this could be happening and I did nothing.
and it wasn't from lack of caring. I loved him more than words could say. I just didn't want to admit that something might be wrong. to me, after all, he was only 12. my first dog lived well beyond twelve, and lived a much harder life. it doesn't matter. the pain I feel for him is immense. the loneliness he must've felt in his last moments. we weren't there. we weren't holding him, petting him, telling him it was okay to let go. how could I have done this to my dog? how could I have let this happen?
why didn't I go outside? why didn't I check on him? my guilt is enormous. my sadness overwhelms me.
what kills me even more is the relationship that Arnie had with Cujo. they were so close. cujo would always sit on Arnie's lap, no matter how big he grew to be, his place was there, on Arnie's lap. Arnie had to break the news to me. Arnie packed him up and took him to bury him. Arnie is doing this by himself, while I watch the kids. I don't know what to say to him. while I stood outside and cried, he merely watched. everyone grieves in their own way. it just kills me.
we haven't told Lily yet. Amelia is only 2, and Cain is nearly one. neither one will grasp what has happened.
I wanted to look at pictures of him, so I was flipping through photo albums, when Amelia lit up at the sight of him, "Cujo!!" she proclaimed loudly, squealing at every snapshot of him. my heart was crumbling as I tried to smile and affirm her shouts.
there is so much regret that comes with death. we didn't spend enough time with him. we could've made things comfier for him. we could've took him on more walks. we could've played with him more. we could've just hugged him one more time.
there's always witty sayings on facebook about living for today, about cherishing everything, because nothing is promised tomorrow. death is a stark reminder of how true those saying are.
I knew something was wrong. I felt it. I even thought this could be happening and I did nothing.
and it wasn't from lack of caring. I loved him more than words could say. I just didn't want to admit that something might be wrong. to me, after all, he was only 12. my first dog lived well beyond twelve, and lived a much harder life. it doesn't matter. the pain I feel for him is immense. the loneliness he must've felt in his last moments. we weren't there. we weren't holding him, petting him, telling him it was okay to let go. how could I have done this to my dog? how could I have let this happen?
why didn't I go outside? why didn't I check on him? my guilt is enormous. my sadness overwhelms me.
what kills me even more is the relationship that Arnie had with Cujo. they were so close. cujo would always sit on Arnie's lap, no matter how big he grew to be, his place was there, on Arnie's lap. Arnie had to break the news to me. Arnie packed him up and took him to bury him. Arnie is doing this by himself, while I watch the kids. I don't know what to say to him. while I stood outside and cried, he merely watched. everyone grieves in their own way. it just kills me.
we haven't told Lily yet. Amelia is only 2, and Cain is nearly one. neither one will grasp what has happened.
I wanted to look at pictures of him, so I was flipping through photo albums, when Amelia lit up at the sight of him, "Cujo!!" she proclaimed loudly, squealing at every snapshot of him. my heart was crumbling as I tried to smile and affirm her shouts.
there is so much regret that comes with death. we didn't spend enough time with him. we could've made things comfier for him. we could've took him on more walks. we could've played with him more. we could've just hugged him one more time.
there's always witty sayings on facebook about living for today, about cherishing everything, because nothing is promised tomorrow. death is a stark reminder of how true those saying are.
I want more than anything to go hug him one more time.
don't wait for death to sneak into your lives. the heartache, I can assure you, is a hard look in the mirror of what you thought was important.
don't wait for death to sneak into your lives. the heartache, I can assure you, is a hard look in the mirror of what you thought was important.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Modesty vs. the itsy bitsy Bikini
"It is strange that modesty is the rule for women when what they most value in men is boldness."
I've thought about writing this blog for 2 days now. it's such a gray area. modesty: define it. can you? are you modest in your modesty? or are you vain about your modesty? how many "self portrait" pictures do you have floating around your phone, facebook, instagram, and whatever else you have for socializing?
when you're getting ready to walk out the door, do you look yourself over in the mirror? if someone walks in, and says, hey let's go- do you immediately panic because your hair isn't done, you're not dressed, and you've no make up on?
still think you're modest?
I know i'm not. i'm not saying that as a vain statement, i'm just stating the truth. i'm not modest. but i'm not modest in different ways than you think. I DONT wear make up. at all. my hair is short, so "fixing it" takes all of five minutes. and being dressed is well...defined for me as a tank and a pair of jeans or yoga-ish pants. but modesty did pass me by. when you breast feed, modesty kind of flies out the window...especially about that 5 month mark when your child is way more interested in everything else while they're eating and a blanket is just unacceptable to them. eventually, someone gets flashed and while that thought used to mortify me, now...not so much.
this is the area that I speak of. women who fight for breast feeding rights where ever they may be- they fight for the idea that breasts are not and should not be sexualized. they have a purpose....
but then, we speak of modesty and suddenly a bikini is wrong and (let's take it extreme here) we should just wear moomoos everywhere so as not to cause "temptation".
that's right. I read an article that spoke of choosing not to wear a bikini so as not to tempt our brothers in Christ.
sorry, but i'm not buying it. if a man is looking to be tempted...if a man is already in that state of mind, it doesn't take a bikini to get a man looking. he was looking long before then. and if you are truly worried about temptation, then maybe we should shut down the internet for men and stop magazines, too. for temptation is everywhere. sex sells...and it sells well.
and why draw a line at one piece suits as acceptable. really...the only difference is your tummy showing or not. you are still showing an awful lot of tempting skin. where do you draw the line with modesty? is it then, okay for a man to bare his chest? honestly, where does one draw the line clearly? are shorts okay? tank tops? what about covering your hair? i'm not being sarcastic here, though you may not know it.
i *think* the Bible talks about your hair being the glory of God.
modesty is a hard word to define.
I have worn a bikini since forever. I have a short torso; have you ever tried to find a bathing suit with a short torso and a unique body type? one that fits a extra small to small bottom and an large to extra large top? not quite as easy as the writer implies. in fact, i'm still looking, as I, too, LOVE the 50s style suits but I look like a child playing dress up when I try one on. it's comical really. the crotch of the suit will sometimes hang to my knees. so it's another reason I stick with the bikinis.
do I get looked at in a bikini? I've no idea. i'm not looking to be seen. I don't go anywhere to be seen. I am, however, looking to get a tan as the days of casually going to a tanning bed are long gone. I miss that warming of my joints. it did wonders for sore muscles! and my days are spent outside chasing after 2 children, while carrying a 3rd..and you know what? i'd like to get some sun while i'm out there. i'd also like to teach my daughter a healthy body image...while also teaching her that what other people think doesn't matter. (something I struggled deeply with growing up.)
did you know we don't own a scale in this home? I wont. it causes panic and stress and I don't really care where i'm at on a scale anymore. i'm happy and healthy and I couldn't ask for more.
the other writer, she made good points. some of which I agree with but I wont adhere to. she also posted pictures of herself looking flirty in her suit, which you can see here, I haven't done. (maybe some day..but not today)
I finally like my body. I enjoy bikinis and wearing them makes me feel a little better about myself. I wear them frequently around my house (no air conditioning makes for one warm home). we honestly don't go to public places where bathing suits are required...at least not for the last 2 years. maybe this year will be different...but I wont be. bikinis have been around since bikini island...and you wont catch me "covering up" in 90+ degree heat and risking heat exhaustion or heat stroke.
so wear what you will. my idea is that your behavior speak volumes about you, rather than the clothes. I should know. I used to wear all black and I KNOW how I was treated then..until someone got to know me.
what really bugs me were more the comments under the article. lots of judging...lots of hating. women are a lot like cats. eventually the claws come out.
you cant very well call yourself modest and then gloat about what you wear or choose not to wear. just be yourself, worry about yourself. get yourself right with God. stop picking at the piece in my eye, and worry about your own...
besides that, I don't like people trying to touch my face.
Friday, May 24, 2013
what are you willing to give up
a lot of parents would love to be stay at home parents and a lot, including me, thought that dream to be impossible.
even now, i still have my doubts. we do make mistakes. but i know what it takes to succeed. it just takes a lot more discipline, something we are working on daily.
when i think about where arnie and i were pre children, i get a little angry with ourselves. actually i get more than a little angry. we were both working and we were basically throwing money down the drain. spending it on garbage that we didnt need, barely used, and was overpriced.
where we are now, i sometimes wish we had that income available to us again...but then i stop wishing. i'm happy with where we are now- we just have to work harder for it.
now, i cant guarantee you will convert successfully to staying at home, there is a lot more than budgeting that goes into staying at home..but i can give you some tips- after all, hindsight is 20/20.
if you are both working now, consider the hours you are away from home. then assess what you're paying for "in home". do you need cable? really?
some people at this point will cut bait and walk away. some simply cant live without american idol or dancing with the stars. i was leaning that way until we gave it up. after 2 days, i just didnt care "what happened next". i'm sure you wouldnt either. it's just a show...not your life. and i'd like to remind you that if you want something bad enough (staying at home), you'll take the necessary steps to make it happen....and honestly, if cable tv was the only sacrifice keeping you from staying home- i do not want to hear you complain about it when you decide to keep working. the flip side of no cable? more time to spend together- whether it's just you and your husband...or a whole house full of kids. spend time getting to know them. when you look back on life, would you rather say i saw all 200 seasons of Freaks and Geeks or that you spent real time laughing and loving your family?
while we were childless, we had the cable/internet/phone bundle that started out at $89 a month, and then jumped to around $130 a month after a year. we paid it because...well, i dont know...i'm still kicking myself over crap like this.
eventually, we gave up the home phone part of the bundle, thinking this would help save us money...and converted to cell phones. we started out simple. just calls only....and then slowly, we "needed" more. i wanted to text. we needed a data plan. we wanted to surf the internet on our phones...
but our phones were simple, so we needed to upgrade those.
soon, we were paying for cable, internet at home, and two cell phones with all the bells and whistles. i thought we switched to *save* money...not to pay more.
our phones cost us in total around $140 month, now that's on top of still paying for cable and home internet.
dont forget we still had the every day costs of gas in both vehicles, lunches being bought (because why would we pack...), groceries, snacks, and eating out. we also obviously had the household bills: water, sewer, garbage, gas heat, electric, our car payment, and a mortgage.
and then, we added a child to our mix. we didnt give up much. we didnt want to. we did add a new expense once i went back to work: day care....and let me tell you- it isnt cheap. $400 a month. but while she was there, she was educated, she was potty trained, she learned friendships, and so much more. i dont regret it. i'm just saying it was one heck of an expense.
to make a long story short, we added two more babies to the mix, rather quickly and not without complication. i was on bed rest and couldnt work...and then i didnt want to work once they came...
and then we started looking at how we could possibly save money. we did the math. day care was going to be all of my month's salary, plus $150 from Arnie's. we simply couldnt do that. i was becoming a stay at home mom by force- i wanted to- this was just more abrupt.
by then, we had paid off our car. one less expense. we decided to give up cable. we were barely watching it as it was. it didnt hurt nearly as bad as you think it did. in fact, we hardly noticed. we gave up the bundle all together. one more less expense. i shopped around for an internet for the home and found one that worked for us. $20 a month.
we realized that we really didnt need a contract phone...let alone 2. we gave them up when the contract ran out. another expense gone. we bit another bullet and bough a phone outright with our tax return and did the straight talk plan. $40 a month.
with 2 babies under 2, disposable diapers were insane. i looked into alternatives. i found a website that bases everything off of income.
thanks to www.givingdiapersgivinghope.com we were supplied with cloth diapers for free (i paid a one time flat fee of $30 for shipping both ways- you do return them whenever you are done, no time limit). now, i also bought some additional diapers with our tax return simply for peace of mind, but it wasnt really needed and we could've done just fine on the free diapers.
*if you think cloth diapering is gross, you're preaching to the choir. i'll happily discuss the differences in diapering with you- pros, cons, etc.*
somewhere around here, we moved back home. arnie took a job for roughly the same pay he was already receiving but much better benefits and way better hours. rent was less than a mortgage and so another expense became a little less.
if you're wondering about boredom, there isnt much. we did "splurge" a little and bought netflix. it's $7.99 a month for unlimited streaming on multiple devices (at once). we also bought magic jack for a land line (a little more stability, less dropped calls) $40 for the YEAR. and by the way, it works great. the other day at the store, we splurged a little more and bought www.rabbittv.com -it's $10 for the year. yeah. $10. and it was worth it. WAY worth it.
*you may also qualify for a free cell phone through your income. look up assurancewireless through google and apply there.
other corner cutting skills we've take on:
*making our own laundry detergent (occasionally, i havent take on this feat full time just yet, but it's working!)
*line drying whenever possible for a cut back on an electric bill
*making our own cleaning supplies (it's amazing what vinegar can do...and add in some natural lemons for a better scent and voila: homemade and safe to use around kids)
*making my own diaper inserts. not for everyone, but i can do it...it makes me feel a little better creatively, and it makes life a little easier)
*cooking at home and from scratch on occasion. i havent done the "from scratch" thing a bunch, but i know it's healthier and when i have the time, i absolutely do it. we do real sit down meals instead of at the restaurant 'gosh i hope my kids dont have a break down and scream' scenario. cheaper and much more stress free.
*do the math on your purchases on everything. sometimes buying in bulk pays off...sometimes not. buy used on items where you know it's safe to buy used and buy new only when you can afford to truly 'pay' for it and when you know you truly NEED to.
*arnie takes his lunch to work. not always, but more often than not he does...and it's cheaper, saves us money, and keeps us from throwing out any leftovers.
*home schooling. not really to save money, but just to be closer as a family and to be sure that values are being instilled in my kids. God is a part of our lives and public school doesnt really "allow" that. it does cut down on expenses though: school clothes, shoes? not so much, only when needed. school lunches? nope. we're healthier at home. school fees? no. www.k12.com is free and extremely easy to execute.
we could most certainly make more cuts to our budget, we definitely need to be more disciplined in our budget now. the main point is even when you think you've got nothing else to cut- believe me, there's more. one of the self help books call it the latte factor. you just have to find yours. maybe it's a donut factor...or a pepsi factor...or a starbucks factor. find yours and figure out if it's worth it to you to give it up...whether you give it up every day, every other day...or once a week.
when you add up the monthly expenses we were paying, plus the rough averages for money going out to lunches, gas, eating out, and the differences in bills here vs. zanesville....we "save" $2500 every month by changing our lifestyles to the above list. i say "save" because we gave up those things- but i also gave up my job which was roughly that same amount. we traded, so to speak. and if i must say, we got the better end of that deal.
i get to stay at home with my kids. that wins over every time.
my suggestion to you is start doing all or some of this *before* you begin your stay at home adventure. start saving real money. put it away and dont touch it until a real live emergency occurs that requires money that wasnt budgeted out in your monthly plan.
and like i said, we occasionally make mistakes. we over spend in areas where we shouldnt, but also, like i said- it takes discipline. it IS a lifestyle change....
but it IS worth it.
even now, i still have my doubts. we do make mistakes. but i know what it takes to succeed. it just takes a lot more discipline, something we are working on daily.
when i think about where arnie and i were pre children, i get a little angry with ourselves. actually i get more than a little angry. we were both working and we were basically throwing money down the drain. spending it on garbage that we didnt need, barely used, and was overpriced.
where we are now, i sometimes wish we had that income available to us again...but then i stop wishing. i'm happy with where we are now- we just have to work harder for it.
now, i cant guarantee you will convert successfully to staying at home, there is a lot more than budgeting that goes into staying at home..but i can give you some tips- after all, hindsight is 20/20.
if you are both working now, consider the hours you are away from home. then assess what you're paying for "in home". do you need cable? really?
some people at this point will cut bait and walk away. some simply cant live without american idol or dancing with the stars. i was leaning that way until we gave it up. after 2 days, i just didnt care "what happened next". i'm sure you wouldnt either. it's just a show...not your life. and i'd like to remind you that if you want something bad enough (staying at home), you'll take the necessary steps to make it happen....and honestly, if cable tv was the only sacrifice keeping you from staying home- i do not want to hear you complain about it when you decide to keep working. the flip side of no cable? more time to spend together- whether it's just you and your husband...or a whole house full of kids. spend time getting to know them. when you look back on life, would you rather say i saw all 200 seasons of Freaks and Geeks or that you spent real time laughing and loving your family?
while we were childless, we had the cable/internet/phone bundle that started out at $89 a month, and then jumped to around $130 a month after a year. we paid it because...well, i dont know...i'm still kicking myself over crap like this.
eventually, we gave up the home phone part of the bundle, thinking this would help save us money...and converted to cell phones. we started out simple. just calls only....and then slowly, we "needed" more. i wanted to text. we needed a data plan. we wanted to surf the internet on our phones...
but our phones were simple, so we needed to upgrade those.
soon, we were paying for cable, internet at home, and two cell phones with all the bells and whistles. i thought we switched to *save* money...not to pay more.
our phones cost us in total around $140 month, now that's on top of still paying for cable and home internet.
dont forget we still had the every day costs of gas in both vehicles, lunches being bought (because why would we pack...), groceries, snacks, and eating out. we also obviously had the household bills: water, sewer, garbage, gas heat, electric, our car payment, and a mortgage.
and then, we added a child to our mix. we didnt give up much. we didnt want to. we did add a new expense once i went back to work: day care....and let me tell you- it isnt cheap. $400 a month. but while she was there, she was educated, she was potty trained, she learned friendships, and so much more. i dont regret it. i'm just saying it was one heck of an expense.
to make a long story short, we added two more babies to the mix, rather quickly and not without complication. i was on bed rest and couldnt work...and then i didnt want to work once they came...
and then we started looking at how we could possibly save money. we did the math. day care was going to be all of my month's salary, plus $150 from Arnie's. we simply couldnt do that. i was becoming a stay at home mom by force- i wanted to- this was just more abrupt.
by then, we had paid off our car. one less expense. we decided to give up cable. we were barely watching it as it was. it didnt hurt nearly as bad as you think it did. in fact, we hardly noticed. we gave up the bundle all together. one more less expense. i shopped around for an internet for the home and found one that worked for us. $20 a month.
we realized that we really didnt need a contract phone...let alone 2. we gave them up when the contract ran out. another expense gone. we bit another bullet and bough a phone outright with our tax return and did the straight talk plan. $40 a month.
with 2 babies under 2, disposable diapers were insane. i looked into alternatives. i found a website that bases everything off of income.
thanks to www.givingdiapersgivinghope.com we were supplied with cloth diapers for free (i paid a one time flat fee of $30 for shipping both ways- you do return them whenever you are done, no time limit). now, i also bought some additional diapers with our tax return simply for peace of mind, but it wasnt really needed and we could've done just fine on the free diapers.
*if you think cloth diapering is gross, you're preaching to the choir. i'll happily discuss the differences in diapering with you- pros, cons, etc.*
somewhere around here, we moved back home. arnie took a job for roughly the same pay he was already receiving but much better benefits and way better hours. rent was less than a mortgage and so another expense became a little less.
if you're wondering about boredom, there isnt much. we did "splurge" a little and bought netflix. it's $7.99 a month for unlimited streaming on multiple devices (at once). we also bought magic jack for a land line (a little more stability, less dropped calls) $40 for the YEAR. and by the way, it works great. the other day at the store, we splurged a little more and bought www.rabbittv.com -it's $10 for the year. yeah. $10. and it was worth it. WAY worth it.
*you may also qualify for a free cell phone through your income. look up assurancewireless through google and apply there.
other corner cutting skills we've take on:
*making our own laundry detergent (occasionally, i havent take on this feat full time just yet, but it's working!)
*line drying whenever possible for a cut back on an electric bill
*making our own cleaning supplies (it's amazing what vinegar can do...and add in some natural lemons for a better scent and voila: homemade and safe to use around kids)
*making my own diaper inserts. not for everyone, but i can do it...it makes me feel a little better creatively, and it makes life a little easier)
*cooking at home and from scratch on occasion. i havent done the "from scratch" thing a bunch, but i know it's healthier and when i have the time, i absolutely do it. we do real sit down meals instead of at the restaurant 'gosh i hope my kids dont have a break down and scream' scenario. cheaper and much more stress free.
*do the math on your purchases on everything. sometimes buying in bulk pays off...sometimes not. buy used on items where you know it's safe to buy used and buy new only when you can afford to truly 'pay' for it and when you know you truly NEED to.
*arnie takes his lunch to work. not always, but more often than not he does...and it's cheaper, saves us money, and keeps us from throwing out any leftovers.
*home schooling. not really to save money, but just to be closer as a family and to be sure that values are being instilled in my kids. God is a part of our lives and public school doesnt really "allow" that. it does cut down on expenses though: school clothes, shoes? not so much, only when needed. school lunches? nope. we're healthier at home. school fees? no. www.k12.com is free and extremely easy to execute.
we could most certainly make more cuts to our budget, we definitely need to be more disciplined in our budget now. the main point is even when you think you've got nothing else to cut- believe me, there's more. one of the self help books call it the latte factor. you just have to find yours. maybe it's a donut factor...or a pepsi factor...or a starbucks factor. find yours and figure out if it's worth it to you to give it up...whether you give it up every day, every other day...or once a week.
when you add up the monthly expenses we were paying, plus the rough averages for money going out to lunches, gas, eating out, and the differences in bills here vs. zanesville....we "save" $2500 every month by changing our lifestyles to the above list. i say "save" because we gave up those things- but i also gave up my job which was roughly that same amount. we traded, so to speak. and if i must say, we got the better end of that deal.
i get to stay at home with my kids. that wins over every time.
my suggestion to you is start doing all or some of this *before* you begin your stay at home adventure. start saving real money. put it away and dont touch it until a real live emergency occurs that requires money that wasnt budgeted out in your monthly plan.
and like i said, we occasionally make mistakes. we over spend in areas where we shouldnt, but also, like i said- it takes discipline. it IS a lifestyle change....
but it IS worth it.
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