i am not one who shows emotions, i'm not big on showing affection, but i promise you that if you are in pain, i am pained with you.
there are things that have happened here recently right here in zanesville that i have tried hard to avoid. i dont want to give it a great deal of thought. i dont want to travel into the basement of dispair and sadness and loss.
a mother lost her child.
i dont know this woman. i didnt know her child.
but i am a mom. and my heart breaks for her. my eyes tear up just thinking about her pain.
a friend brought up that this lady's child was a twin and that with every milestone that her other son reaches, it will be a reminder of the fact that she lost one. i needed to block out the conversation at that point.
i remember when i was pregant with Lily and i was in a group setting, the topic arose to who was the youngest mother. i was quickly ruled out because i wasnt considered a mother yet. my feelings were hurt. but i forgot about it and gave birth to a healthy baby girl who has more gusto than i ever expected.
flash foward to august 27th 2010. i went in to the ER and found out that the baby in my belly had no heart beat. i certainly felt like a mother at that point. and i feel the loss still.
i feel the loss every time i see a baby that is the same age that mine would've been. my heart breaks with pain. my baby would be five months old. there is a constant lump that stays in the back of my throat.
i found out another friend is due in april. that was my due date. i feel my breath catch in my throat. it's never ending. because it was my month, i know too much information. i know the month they conceived. i know what week she's in. i know the symptoms she's probably experiencing. i am happy for her...but i feel the sadness cover me like a rough wool blanket.
i cannot imagine another parent's loss. but i know my own and i wouldnt wish it on anyone. my reminders are small and i block out when i can, however unhealthy that may be...but some have daily reminders...constant reminders... how deep their sadness must be.
i have been greatly blessed and i do not question my losses (very often). i live each day and remember and pray the prayer of Jabez. i remind myself of when Jesus said you do not have because you do not ask. i pray for those i love and those i know are suffering.
so if you ever see me staring a little too long at a baby...maybe now you'll understand why. and please remember something before you comment: one child does not replace another. and strangely, amelia does not remind me of anything sad...it's only when i see a baby that would've been the same age as mine...and i am oh so very thankful for what i have. i just felt like venting since i'm not one to "talk" about my feelings.