children

now that arnie and i are parents of two children, multiple questions and worries arise in me.
we bask in the smiles of our infant daughter and marvel at the fact that we did this once before seven years ago. we struggle to remember (did we do this with Lily?)
and then guilt follows....we feel that we are far from seasoned parents, but we also feel that we are, at least, slightly, improved in our parenting skills.
i constantly question if Lily got this same amount of attention and comfort. did i talk to her as much? did i interact this much with her? how is she affected by watching us interact with Amelia?
my girls are being raised different, no matter how hard i try for that not to happen, it is. when i became pregnant with Lily, i had no fear of miscarriage, i had no knowledge of any dangers that might be lurking around the corner.. i was blissfully ignorant. i did things that i wouldnt dream of doing while being pregnant now.
we look back now and realize that we were much more immature as parents with Lily as a baby than we are now.
with Amelia, i was all too aware of what i could lose. when she was born- healthy and adorable, it was a moment of tears, of relief, of thankfulness. with Lily, i was so impatient for her to be born, when she came, it was more of a "finally!" moment. i didnt give myself to the moment the way i should've.

my hope is that i raise two girls who are much, much more confident than i was or am today. that they make wise decisions, that they are not quick tempered like me, but that they show patience and kindness, even in the face of difficulty. that they are raised with our church and have a love and devotion for God that is nurtured by everyone they know.

i worry often about the differences between Amelia and Lily and how they will turn out and how much myself or Arnie influences who they will be as adults. one can only wish...and pray...that we are doing right by them.