Wednesday, November 16, 2011

sometimes you just need to look in the mirror.

while i sit here, with amelia in my lap, fighting a naptime she knows she needs...i try to accept myself. i read an article today by a mom who talked honestly about not fitting into her prebaby jeans. i'm there. 3 and a half months postpartum and i've nearly given up all hope of being "back to normal". i fight with myself constantly on this.
i was on bed rest for 3 months straight. no exercise. no...nothing. just bed rest. i swear, this ruined my body. but it kept amelia healthy and most importantly, alive. she was born exactly 3 weeks early. i wouldnt have made it that far if i had not been on bed rest.
also, i feel that i tend to blow things out of proportion. my body isnt ruined. it's just not the way it was before i was pregnant. it's actually still changing. i notice little differences every day. i'm just the kind of person that needs constant reassurance that i look okay. that i'm not overweight. add to this that i DO have enough common sense to keep these issues to myself and NOT pass them onto Lily who watches my every move. and please dont misunderstand me. i did not receive my issues from watching my mom fret over her body. in fact, i dont ever remember her worrying about things like that.
no, i have a theory. my theory is this:  people pay WAY too much attention to how others and themselves look. i grew up very small framed...if not somewhat dangerously skinny. i heard on a daily basis, several times a day how i was too skinny, how i needed to eat more. blah. blah. blah.
and then i graduated high school. i fell in love. i got married....eventually, i was pregnant.
i still heard on a daily basis how i was so tiny. "cute" pregnant. then i gave birth and i remember struggling with my body after that...but it has become a blur between my struggle to getting back into my size 0 jeans. i have no idea how long it took. i dont remember any of it.
i bounced around after that as far as jean sizes go. i would bounce anywhere in between that foreboding 0 to a size 5.
i started hearing "you look really healthy!"
healthy? what the hell is healthy? i'm not skinny anymore?!....and so the seed was planted. (by myself and no one else)
when you get used to hearing something your entire life and then all the sudden that view can rock you to the core. i know it did me.
now mind you, i have a fantastic family. they always tell me how i look "good". never once have i heard "you might wanna hold off on that second helping."
also, keep in mind, i'm not big on exercise. i LOVE sports. could play softball or volleyball all day every day...but put me in a gym? ugh. no thanks. booooring. so, it's not like i'm one of those people who have exercised like crazy and i just cant lose the weight. nope, that's not me. i hate exercise. also, i love food. big helpings, too.
see my struggle? i'm actually very blessed with my body type and yet, i hate my body some days, quite often.. isnt it terrible to be a girl? we're quite often way too obsessed with how we look.
i fully believe that we need to have classes in school, starting at a very young age, for girls and boys and body image. teach kids early to love their bodies just as they are. teach them to eat healthy, be active, and love your body as it looks. no alterations.
i hate that i worry about my body at all. i have been given two fabulous gifts. two beautiful girls and i'd like to think that maybe we'll be blessed with another gift sometime in the future, which means my body will be ravaged again by nine months of craziness. and possibly more bed rest.
so, while today i'm of sound mind and body, i'd like to pose this question and answer it as well:

will my prebaby jeans ever fit again?

Answer: i will not dignify that question with a yes or a no. i will simply say this: who cares? i went through hell to keep amelia healthy and alive and she was born beautiful and healthy. what a crazy awesome blessing! and now? i kinda like the way i look in the jeans i have now. they may not be "the" size...but who cares? i'm happy. i love my babies and my husband loves me. and that's all i need to know.

side note to all women:
please dont ever hate a girl for how she looks. even if she appears skinny, chances are, she doesnt view herself in that light. chances are, she hates her body just as much as the next girl. instead, look in the mirror and start listing off the things that you love about yourself. you'll find more happiness there than in looking over the fence.

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